Messy mind
Alright this is my first time writing one of these. But anyways. I get anxiety a lot. Sometimes to a point or extreme where I would rather be depressed than have anxiety because when Im depressed I cannot be anxious,one cancels out the other. I try to overcome it at times but when facing it my lungs tighten and it gets hard to breathe and my heart pounds rapidly. Which is why I would rather avoid confronting the anxiety inducing situation even if it is simple. But when I avoid it I feel stuck and I hate it so much and I dont want to live that way. The only way I have discovered how to cope is to sit my head in my hands. Another issue I have is how jumbled my mind is. If I think something I dont like or I wouldnt usually think or say I reprimand myself. Because of my mom I have been conditioned to always expect the worst. And that good things rarely happen which is of course untrue and Ive been trying to break away from that line of thought. But I am afraid of having an expectation and then being disappointed or hurt. I have somewhat created a safety net for myself that yes does help at times but also hurts me and keeps me from doing things I want. I have been searching for therapists and am still awaiting responses but the process for finding one has been taking a long time. If anyone has advice it would be very much appreciated and I thank you for your time in reading this.
@BloomingSeaRose
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
Alright this is my first time writing one of these. But anyways. I get anxiety a lot. Sometimes to a point or extreme where I would rather be depressed than have anxiety because when Im depressed I cannot be anxious,one cancels out the other. ( I can see why you would feel like this, in my case i prefer depression as well over anxiety because of how overwhelming anxiety can be) I try to overcome it at times but when facing it my lungs tighten and it gets hard to breathe and my heart pounds rapidly. (You are doing the best you can with what you have to try on overcoming it, its a good step in the right direction. The symptoms you feel has to do with thoughts of being in danger, so you enter this flight or fear response. Your mind associates pleasure with pain, so it leads to avoidance. The only way for the mind to know everything is okay is to take small steps to overcoming this) Which is why I would rather avoid confronting the anxiety inducing situation even if it is simple. (It can be really scary and overwhelming to confront the anxiety. I can relate to this, and its just this barrier of what you want to do and the danger it may lead. Which situations lead to anxiety?) But when I avoid it I feel stuck and I hate it so much and I dont want to live that way. (I understand, its like you tend to beat yourself up and its like being stuck when you don't take the chances?. I can relate to this as well, what kind of lifestyle you would like to live?)The only way I have discovered how to cope is to sit my head in my hands. Another issue I have is how jumbled my mind is. If I think something I dont like or I wouldnt usually think or say I reprimand myself. Because of my mom I have been conditioned to always expect the worst. (It sounds like you went through a rough childhood that you didn't feel safe growing up. I do feel you absorbed her anxiety growing up, and she put a lot of negative beliefs inside of you) And that good things rarely happen which is of course untrue and Ive been trying to break away from that line of thought. But I am afraid of having an expectation and then being disappointed or hurt. (I noticed that with anxiety we tend to have an expectation and then get attached to the outcome, and when the desire outcome doesn't happen then its where it leads to hurt or being disappointed) I have somewhat created a safety net for myself (Its this to avoid getting hurt?) that yes does help at times but also hurts me and keeps me from doing things I want. (I could see why it would hurt you, it has to do with avoidance and procrastination. Do you feel not good enough or worthy enough to do the things you want?)
@freshLight64 thank you for taking time to respond and your support. Some of the the anxiety inducing situations for me is trying to talk to the person I like or sometimes guys in general at times. Or being around people who I feel threatened by and sometimes for seemingly no reason at all. And I do feel like its silly and invalid because its seemingly simple things. And I have created the safety net to protect myself from getting hurt
@freshLight64 the type of life I would like to live is to my fullest and happy and doing things I enjoy without worry. I do feel like I am unworthy of some things because I feel that I am either not good enough or undeserving.
@BloomingSeaRose
Some of the the anxiety inducing situations for me is trying to talk to the person I like (I believe this would trigger your anxiety, specially if you feel attraction for someone. The more attraction you feel someone or the more you want to talk with them then it will take you back to the relationship you had with your parents. This will lead to being nervous, behaving unatural, sometimes avoidance, fear of being seen or heard, and it may lead to eagerness on some cases) or sometimes guys in general at times. (Do you trust guys in general?) Or being around people who I feel threatened by and sometimes for seemingly no reason at all. (Can you go into more detail about this?) And I do feel like its silly and invalid because its seemingly simple things. (I don't think its silly at all, it makes a lot of sense as to why you are having a hard time regarding this. If the connection with your parent's feel safe, healthy or comfortable then it leads to certain anxiety where its hard to trust and interact with others) And I have created the safety net to protect myself from getting hurt. (I understand why you would do this, you must had felt a lot of hurt in the past, so now its terrifying to get hurt again)
the type of life I would like to live is to my fullest and happy and doing things I enjoy without worry. (Thats definetly a life to deserve to live, you were born out of love. What kind of things you feel might get you to achieve the life you want?) I do feel like I am unworthy of some things because I feel that I am either not good enough or undeserving. (Those are thoughts a lot of us go through, it can be so tough to just let them go. I feel like if our parents didn't encourage us, support us, validate and accept who we are, then we internalize ourselves as unworthy and not good enough. Its belief they put in you with how they treated you)
@freshLight64 thank you once again! And I do trust some guys usually when they are awkward or have more feminine tendencies and if not then after awhile of being around them and interacting then I sometimes will be fine with them. What I meant by feeling threatened is sometimes when there is someone who I feel like has the power to damage my image or is capable of manipulation or just being vicious I feel threatened and afraid so I tend to avoid. Even though when I do encounter them they are most of the time kind to me but Ive seen how they are with others which is why I dont trust them. To achieve the life I want Im not exactly sure yet but I do believe one of the steps is to do more self care and focus on my mental health.
@BloomingSeaRose
And I do trust some guys usually when they are awkward or have more feminine tendencies (I see what you mean, usually its a lot easier to trust people who have similar traits, hobbies or personaliy qualities. I'm glad you do have trust for some guys) and if not then after awhile of being around them and interacting then I sometimes will be fine with them. (This is normal because it takes time to get to know a person, and even longer to trust them) What I meant by feeling threatened is sometimes when there is someone who I feel like has the power to damage my image or is capable of manipulation or just being vicious I feel threatened and afraid so I tend to avoid. (This is a good thing to have because the kind of people you mentioned on this sentence can definetly hurt you, so its understandable you want to avoid them( Even though when I do encounter them they are most of the time kind to me but Ive seen how they are with others which is why I dont trust them. (Thats normal, its like they treat other people poorly, so it makes sense to protect yourself or not trust them based on their actions towards others) To achieve the life I want Im not exactly sure yet but I do believe one of the steps is to do more self care and focus on my mental health. (Those are great steps to take, you are on the right direction. You have a lot of insight of what happened to you in your past, and thats key. Have you thought of working on those issues and adressing what happened in your past to five the life you want?)
@BloomingSeaRose they don't always cancel each other but I feel you deeply...bevause I suffer both from depression and anxiety.
I totally agree with your confort position head between knees.
Here is story aboout a young girl called Temple Grandin (you can find her on wikipedia). This girl suffered from panic attacks and extreme anxiety. She tried a way to help herself so she invented the hugging device, where she put her head between two bars amd calmed down. She passed her invention onto the cattle farming ibdustru and now it is commonly known as cattle chute, this young girl invented the device. This young girl was a girl suffering of anxiety who wanted to help herself and ended up making a century invention. I feel for you my friend...
@SakoombaKero
thank you! And I have heard of Temple Grandin she was quite an amazing and interesting woman
@BloomingSeaRose the power lies within you to turn your suffering into success. You are so welcome and I feel for you...🤗