Maybe it is anxiety

Maybe it is anxiety maybe not, but it is definitely something. OCD/Anxiety? Who knows. Self diagnosed research, gotta love google. I have some characteristics of high anxiety. I live in my head constantly and it is one active brain. I rarely enjoy the now. I day dream a lot either with situations I make up in my head or replaying things that happened over and over for years thinking something negative about my role in a specific moment and how I did or said the wrong thing. I feel embarassed or guilt over things like saying something stupid or in the wrong tone. Did I hurt their feelings? Most likely I'm the only person who noticed or remembers some of these things. And then my mind says, how do you know they don't remember or didn't notice? And i continue criticizing or feeling the negative emotion associated. Negative or sometimes even neutral situations turn into the worst case scenario and the worry consumes me. I seriously think about things I did back in grade school. Example: giving this boy I liked an anonymous valentine gram. I suddenly remember the random detail that his friends were at the table when we became friends on Facebook. of course now my brain thinks, "he knew it was me." Somehow my dumb brain feels like I should feel stupid over this. Good WORD! I dismiss these beyond silly notions fairly quickly but it pops back in my head from time to time when I can't sleep and doesn't change the fact that I have to consciously dismiss it.

This is not an all day every day thing but it is often enough. And if it is a negative situation, my brain is 100% in protect or attack or whatever mode the above is. And in those situations, it just gets worse. You can't turn your brain off and your brain just keeps feeding you one thought, that breeds a deeper thought that breeds another (ad infinitum) to escalate the anxiety. I recognize the patterns and I do exercises sometimes but my failure to make it habit makes it less successful. I am grateful that it is not to the extent to debilitate me but it does affect me and hinders my enjoyment in life. It also keeps me up until almost 1am writing about it :) I know the logic. I'm an educated human being. Past can't be changed, a thought is just a thought, recognize it and let it pass, live in the moment and on and on. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't.

Anyways, I'm new here and have had some personal relationship issues that made me want to search for an ear. I feel emotionally defeated, which breeds my "anxiety". I found myself crying saying I just wish I had someone to talk to. I don't really like to burden my friends with my issues so an anonymous chat couldn't hurt right? I did a chat and that helped. Then I browsed around a little and found this community which I identify with. Figured I would leave a post to see if it helped anymore. It always does, I should do it more often than I do, which is rarely. If i did more, perhaps you'd have a shorter post to read and I could save your eyes. Also,not that it changes much but seeing my ridiculousness logically printed in black and white for others to read, gave me a nice little chuckle. Chuckles are good.