Just ranting...

Tomorrow I start with classes at university again, like laboratory classes and all that and I'm so not into it. It was hard for me, before the pandemic, to go to class and to be there and, it was so difficult. I remember that I was asking for something, anything that would help me get out of going to class. And so the pandemic started and online classes started, it was such a relief for me, I enjoyed classes online and I was so relaxed at home and I still am, after year and a half I can say I'm so secure and happy at home and now l have to go back, not fully, maybe like halfway, but it's like the beginning of going back to things as they used to be and it brings me so many bad feelings. By now my social anxiety it's as its worst, I have a really bad time taking to people, having conversations it's something that makes me physically and mentally tired and nervous and insecure and a lot of negative feelings, it was bad before but now it's just awful, I kinda lost that little capacity to relate myself with others and respond to a social environment and it just adds to the depression, cause I wish I didn't have this social anxiety and now I have to add up the fact that I'm scared to go out, the city has become so insecure that I'm so nervous all the time when I'm outside, and now I have to face that again and I'm not ready, i don't think I'll ever be ready but i can't just say anything, everyone thinks that those things I experiment it's me overreacting and it's unnecessary and stupid so i can't talk about it, i can't show that weakness in front of others because it's bad, it's working, it's useless, it doesn't make sense.

So here I am, with the anxiety eating me from the inside out and the depression having a peak when I have done zero homework because I have zero energy and I can't really focus for more that 5 minutes but i have to deal with it because life goes on and I can't use that as an excuse for not fulfilling my responsabilities.