Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav
  1. Forum
  2. Anxiety Support
  3. I always make things worse

I always make things worse
shyGigabyte January 6th, 2022
.

In my relationship it's come to a head several times that 1. I don't take criticism well (and I'm working on it, not my point) and 2. when I am upset after being criticized, and they ask if something is wrong, my knee jerk reaction is to lie and say everything is fine.




They hate lying, understandably. I lied for years about me self harming, and I try my absolute best not to lie anymore because it's not fair to them and doesn't help me. But after they've said their piece and are asking me what's up, I get irrationally scared that I'll make things even worse by trying to speak my mind. But me lying and then coming back to say my piece later always always always makes things worse. They can tell when I'm lying, and it really really upsets t




How do I beat that knee jerk fear?




I'm gonna try telling myself that I'll either mess it up then by speaking the truth or I'll mess it up later because I lied. But right now I'm anxious because my partner is still mad at me and I'm not sure I'll have the confidence to remember to say something next time this comes up ar? hem.is comes up

1
VioletSpringGlade January 23rd, 2022
.

@shyGigabyte

Hi! You are not alone, many people find those things hard. It sounds like you criticize/blame yourself for not communicating better. But you weren't taught these things as a young child, when we learn to communicate and connect, it isn't your fault. All you can do is learn and practise now, and that will involve making some mistakes!

It takes a bit of practise to learn to feel safe enough to speak your truth. You have to re-wire your brain a bit as at some point you learned that it wasn't safe to speak honestly, so be gentle with yourself. Some things that help include talking with a trained counsellor, addressing trauma/childhood trauma, improving your confidence/sense of self-worth, finding supportive and kind people to surround our self with and spend time with.

For the actual talking, would you find it easier to write it down in a letter/email/text? Or have third person present, like a relationship counsellor? I keep a list of things I need to do or talk about that are difficult, and that way it feels less overwhelming, and I can work on one at a time.


*Support Forum Disclaimer
My communities
Community guidelines
Report an issue
Considering Therapy?
Talk to an expert therapist