Day of meh (Sad Trigger Warning)

The morning was nice, Freud and I went to the park for a walk. After we got home I prepped lunch and everything was fine until just after lunch. I started feeling really down. I started worrying about how I am not contributing financial wise. The laundry got done, but I had planned some cleaning too, which didn't get done. I started fiddling on my phone to distract myself. I saw a photo of my husband and I which made me miss him. 10 more days until he returns. I went on instagram to look at cute pictures, but people liked pictures of my dogs that passed, which made me even more sad. I miss them terribly as well. I need to come to grips with how one of my dogs, Vlad passed. I keep thinking about things that I might have done. What if I had made a different choice and he was still alive. Mocha was very very old, so I have come to terms with her passing, but he didn't go well. We found a lump on his throat, which ended up pressing on his esophagus on all sides. At 2 am on the day before we were to see an oncologist he started suffocating. We rushed him to the emergency vet and they told us straight up that there wasn't much they could do for him. He passed away in my arms after we made the choice. The what if is running through my head. What if we kept him alive, what if that tumor was operable. We were facing a 20,000+ bill though if we did and we just don't have that kind of money. I almost didn't get on here to type out my feelings, but I know I need to express them in some way. On a happier note, Freud is annoying the bejesus out of me. He loves to both scare me and hear his voice. He will bark once for no reason, then watch for me jumping. He is a little punk, but I love him. I think he missed the dog park today, I was worried about him over exerting himself. Next time I might try a short romp at the dog park after walking days. Cravings wise, I want to binge, but I am holding out well. I ate my normal healthy meals and snacks. I feel tomorrow will be a better day. It usually takes me a few days to adjust when my husband goes on his business trips.

This cuties smiling face just releases all my anxieties and stress. Even though he was a gift from me to my husband, he has been such a source of strength for me.