Confused Muppet.

I'm so confused right now I've withdrawn almost completely. I'm motivated to keep myself smiling and in the right direction.

BUT

I'm being pulled in so many emotional directions currently. I don't feel safe right now, emotionally thus I'm breaking down daily at night with no clear trigger.

HOWEVER

I'm spiralling to the point of overwhelming anxiety causing panic attacks. I don't know where to turn, when or why. I don't feel wanted, accepted or desired.

I have made headway into the roots of my anxiety, why I do things in public and their perceived delusion that has stayed with me for 25 years.

I feel good about this but at the drop of a hat I look to find safety, not because I can't make decisions or that it's a new circumstance to me. The people I want around me don't even know I need them because I don't want to disappoint/butden them I miss them terribly.

This confusion has me self medicating higher dosages just to stop the numb hurt and emptiness that no one will ever see me admit. I dont fit where I am anymore. I also don't want to walk away from what work (paid) I've been doing but it's become less fun and beneficial if you will, again I don't want to let them down, but it feels to have run its course.

Thanks for listening/reading and bearing with me, I'm back posting my stream of consciousness at least after a unintended absence.

- Ink