Anxiety is paralyzing me

I have so much anxiety that I can't even leave my house. I'm terrified of what's going to be out there. The world is out there. My ex boyfriend is out there. What if I run into him and his new girl at the grocery store? What if I'm out on a date, or out with a friend and I run into him and his new girl? I can't even imagine how awful it would feel. It's like a nightmare. I know I can't let the fear of seeing him keep me boxed up in my house, but I'm terrified. I can't leave my bed.

I'm scared to go out with this new guy tonight. I don't want to drink alone with him. I don't know him well enough. I don't know why I'm forcing myself to, maybe to get out of the house. When I calm myself down, I think maybe it won't be so bad. As long as I don't drink too much, there's not much he can do in public. I hate that women have to be scared to meet new guys, but guys have no troubles. It's not fair. My head is spinning and there are too many worries and not enough stability. I need stability. I need to remember how to rely on myself, to be okay with myself.

I need something to steady me. I need to stop being afraid to live my life. I can't be scared to run into my ex forever. This worrying is probably more painful than the real thing would be. So what if I see him with a new girl? Yeah, it'll be a shock and it'll suck and hurt, but then I'll cry and get over it. But this constant worrying everyday? This whole keeping me from living my life thing? That's a lot worse. The worrying is always worse. The pain I get from worrying is always worse, and longer lasting. I need to breathe, gain some confidence, and get out there.