Anxiety and dealing with clutter

This past week has been a rough one.

As long as I can remember, I've been messy. I remember my dad getting angry with me and threatening to throw everything on the floor into garbage bags. I remember my rooms in university being a total disaster. And apartments when I was living alone being a mess.

Even now, my office and my sewing room have messes in them. And they're not comfortable spaces.

I have a pile of garden soil that's been in our yard since last spring that still needs to be put away. I don't always put the weeds into our green bin after I clean up my garden.

This has been 45+ years (I'm 50) of this, and I keep struggling to get past it.

Monday night my husband blew up because there were a few things that I had started working on and didn't finish. (No, I'm not in any risk of harm - he was angry and frustrated, and it was a challenging night with daughter and I. But that's another story.) It's a trend with me and I get his frustration.

When it comes to messiness, there are a lot of times where I don't see it or don't pay attention to it. And I don't do it on purpose. Sometimes it's overwhelming to see the mess, and I don't know where to start so I avoid it. Sometimes I'm in the middle of something else and I say I'll do it later. Again, I don't do this on purpose. I'm not trying to take advantage of my husband and what he does in the house, and I'm not trying to pass off the tidying to the person who comes in every two weeks to help with cleaning.

At this point I really have no idea where to start. :(

I know it's a cycle:

(from https://goloadup.com/clutter-and-anxiety/)

The reasons I want to do this:

• so our home feels like a home – it shows how much I do care about where we live

• so our home feels welcoming

• so i can get a handle on the clutter and finding homes for things

• to bring a sense of calm and space to our home

• to prove to myself that I really can do this.

  
  

  Thanks for listening... not sure if anyone else struggles with this...