Fear with zero control of the outcome.
I have a fear of my mother dying. In fact a large amount of my family has died; so much so that I am almost emotionless and completely cold hearted to death. Except for my mother. I have had an ongoing fear my entire life of her dying. Now clearly I have no control over this and eventually the day will come. So instead of cherishing every day I have with her, I moved away from home to build up some emotional distance between my mother and my fear of her dying. I regret moving away, I miss her tremendously. And I now know that nothing will change how her death will effect me. That's just a part of life!
I used to go over and over and over that in my head.. regarding my parents dying. I remember doing it from about the age of 6 or 7 so, yes, I can certainly understand where you're coming from. The loss of a family member is the hardest thing and when you've suffered that loss once, it brings about that fear of the losses of our other loved ones.
It's really hard and you know as well as I do how important those times that we share with our loved ones is. We just can't bring them back to share further times when they're gone so it's so important to make the most of the time that we have.
Yes, the pain is going to be there someday but being away from her now, is it really going to make things easier down the track? It's an interesting question.
Something I like to keep in the back of my mind relates to whether my actions are actually making my life better. It's important to live our lives to the fullest and to never live with regrets.
All the best :)
This fear sounds pretty intense, with the fact that it's pushed you to such drastic measures such as distancing yourself because of fears. Have you been seeking a therapist or psychiatrist? These fears sound like intrusive thoughts and you're coping with them through avoidance which tends to worsen them. This could be a sign of further underlying issues. I'd encourage you to talk to more professionals. They could help more.
I say this because I've experienced similar as a child and even now. It pushed me to move away as well. I am currently seeking guidance for my fears.