What's happening to me?
WARNING: mentions of suicidal thoughts, self-harm, eating disorders, and drugs
Two nights ago I had a panic attacks but it was worse than my others. It happened when I was remembering a time when my parents were always fighting when I was a little kid and during that time I thought they didn't love/want me anymore and became suicidal and self-destructive. When I was thinking of it I felt like I was back at that time in my life to the point that I didn't know if it was really happening again. I sat in the floor for 2 hours hyperventilating. Lately that time in my life has been coming up in my mind a lot and I'll have times where I feel like it's happening and times where I can't be around my parents or even talk about them. I can't talk to teachers for the same reason because it gave me a fear of adults and I have nightmares almost every night, often about my parents fighting again and then not wanting me anymore. But my parents are good now and don't fight anymore so Why would I have these nightmares? Why is this happening? How do I cope with all this? I'm realizing all my problems in life stem from this time lately, anorexia for control, self harm and suicidal thoughts because I felt unwanted, sex and drug addiction to cope, and now panic attacks.
I'm really sorry you been going through a hard time. That sounds like a very traumatic odeal .
I understand you may not want to talk to anyone. I can understand it might take time to trust people again and that's very hard to do .
Your questions your asking seem revelant and maybe worth exploring if you want to get to bottom of the problem but that takes time and trusting someone to open up to which I guess your not ready .
I'm not sure how well your coping. Now your obviously not but wanna know where you stand at this present time . You go to school . Is there anything else you do? What do you enjoy at school?
I ask that cuz sometimes to get things off our mind we can have a distraction to take it off ourselves. You sound like you really want this to go away but is lost cuz you lost all faith. That's why if you can't get it out your head is to try not let it get in your head whenever your about to think of it so distractions is key, thinking of those thoughts as hyperfectical and the way your mind usually thinks so practice being mindful and aware of suggesting and asking yourself questions is there anything you can change, what is the reason for this. I learnt this in therapy and as I did it you might find it can be helpful some way .
Please don't be hard on yourself . I know you think you can't help but be the person to blame but there's no evidence and clearly your the victim .
If you feel talking would help then are helpline numbers on this site or if you prefer you can think about writing your thoughts and feelings down and keeping that as a way of expression and letting it out.
You can always come here and vent too.
I hope this helps you and sorry if it don't sound like much advice but hopefully trying to take up these in a practical way can help things move in right way .
