Strong fear, panic, anxiety attacks
Hi all,
Im 32, male, in a relationship.
Ive been to therapy, im connected to my feelings now. I understand a lot of things and put a new perspective in front of me
I recently (4months) met who I hope is my future wife.
She is the best thing that happening to me recently. On most levels we are incredibly close, and not afraid to discuss true feelings.
She also been to therapy, and i feel things are genuinly good.
What bothers me is that she has her anxiety / strong fear attacks.
She can explain that She is having one and needs space. I respect that. The way she deals with them is she lays down in bed, turn on a hairdryer and lets herself ooze in a humming sound and warm. It can take hours sometimes, and usually when im not around.
But i cannot help The feeling i could help her somehow else.
Whenever i try to talk about those attacks she explains them briefly and mentions this is how she deals with them. She also mentioned she sometimes 'keeps it inside' until im not around, and than proceeds with her way.
I care about her a lot, and want to maybe not change how she is dealing with it, but offer other solutions. O give her more tools, offer support. Like: Hold her hand, talk to her, look her in the eye. Be with her.
But whenever i mentioned that perhaps there are other ways, we could be trying, and offer her to somewhat Lean on me more, she refuses to even consider the idea. Like there is only one way.
@Choinkowy You may want to let her deal with her anxiety on her own. Your “help” may not really be welcome. And if it is not welcome, it could be the best help in the world, but helping when it is not wanted is a really good way to push someone away. Sometimes being supportive means letting your partner take care of themselves as they see fit.
@hopefulPond6108
I agree a lot with what youre saying. Hence when stated she needs more space, I always give her that. No questions asked. I can tell that this is the way she adapted to the problem and it works to an extend for her. At the same time i believe there might be other ways too, that when tried, introduced, discussed and learned could possibly work.
Im not trying to force anything, or "make her change" so to speak. Our relationship is very grown up, extremely deep, and most intimate in terms of emotions that i ever expierieneced.
So what im looking for is 'other possibilities', that i could openly discuss with her, to possibly help her developer new tools.
F.ex. one of Listeners suggested that i offer to expierience that situation with her, in silence, and ithout disturbing her and I think it is a great piece of advice. Again, I will try to first discuss that new possibility with her without the attack ongoing, and soften it first.
Thank for your feedback!
Hello. Thanks for sharing, Choinkowy :)
This is a difficult situation, and I can feel your genuine desire to assist your partner. I think that’s very commendable.
Perhaps if you focus less on supporting the attacks themselves and more on their aftermath she will be more receptive.
I often find that people offering me support while I’m panicking can make the panic worse, despite their good intentions. It makes me feel like a problem that needs to be solved, regardless of what the person attempting to support me is saying. The panic gets worse because it’s not something I can always solve in the moment, in the midst of it, and I feel like I’m disappointing my supporter by not helping them help me, if that makes sense? Using me as an example because I don’t want to speak for your partner, not to make this about me or anything.
Another suggestion I have is seeing if she’d be open to helping you understand why she doesn’t want your support in the ways you’ve offered it. It may be easier to figure out what kind of support is helpful, if you figure out why the support you offered isn’t what’s needed.
However, if she refuses to consider the idea of having you support her, though, that is her decision and you’ll be put in the position (if you haven’t been already) of assessing your own feelings about this situation. Do you feel as if you *must* support her? If so, why is this something you feel as if you need to shoulder? And If you do not support her through this (as she may not let you), how will you feel about moving forward in your relationship? What would you need from her in order to do so? Is she willing to offer that? Etc, etc. You don’t need to answer here, but these may be some introspective questions that could help you as you navigate this.
Wishing you both the best,
Quirk