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Stressing about friendships

Silentlywishing August 2nd, 2023

So I have some friends that I really like, and I think they’re some of the best friends I’ve ever had. They’re kind, funny, and accept me for who I am, and even act silly with me too. We have an understanding of each other, and do nice things for each other. They also comfort me if I get anxious, and say things like “I’d rather you tell us and we comfort you rather than you overthink”

Pretty much- they are good friends and I love them.

However, I have past trauma relating to friendships, and I feel like it’s still affecting my current friendships to the point where I stress about them almost all the time.


In secondary school, in secondary 2, I stopped being friends with someone who wasn’t a good friend to me and I pretty much lost all my friends after that. Some of them still acted nice to me, but they weren’t “there”, if u know what I mean.

I still remember being alone in class and just feeling so upset, not wanting to go to school because I knew I’d be left out and I’d just stress about my friends not liking me.


Ive noticed that this has lasting impacts on my current friendships. I don’t get too close to any friends as I’m worried they could stop being friends with me, i over analyse how my friends talk to others and think “they definitely like them more than they like me. They’d choose them over me if they could.” (I’ve realised this is bcos all my friends chose the friend that was bad to me over me before), and I have trouble believing them and worry that I’m secretly annoying them or they secretly don’t like me.


Anyway, after all that explaining, lemme explain why I’m writing this, mostly. I’m trying to change my negative mindset of myself to a more positive view of myself as I want to be a better friend for these current friends (they have told me that I’m perfect the way I am but I know I could be so much better so I want to improve), and also to be able to not fall victim to people who take advantage of me, as I’ve noticed that I tend to befriend people who make me feel bad and make me feel like I’m “weird”. These friends are a nice breath of fresh air :)


but anyway, I’m trying to remind myself that my friends don’t hate me if their voice has a bit of a different tone when talking to me, and tell myself that they still love and care for me but whenever I try to tell myself that, I still feel anxious, and then I get a scary thought about them leaving me because I’m “too weird” (they have never said that but plenty others have, to the point where the word “weird” makes me upset even when used in an endearing way) and spiral, and feel more stressed, and then have to ask them for reassurance, feel bad for asking for reassurance, apologise a million times and overexplain, feel bad for overexplaining, worry, and yeah.


i don’t know what to do, I feel really lost on how to improve myself and calm myself down when I worry about my friendships. I know to tell myself “I’m not weird, they don’t hate me” but I still feel stressed. Do I just need to keep telling myself that? Or is there more I could do? I’m really sorry for the long essay but I’d really appreciate some advice. I hope whoever reads this has a good day!!



1
CarolineGrey August 2nd, 2023

@Silentlywishing Hi! I have the exact same problem. I have been betrayed by friends so many times it's hard for me to believe the awesome friends I have right now actually like me. But when I feel like this, I just talk to them, and hang out and decide that they're not worth spacing out just because of my doubts. That's the gift of real friends- when you're with them you forget your doubts and just feel wonderful around them and are happy to be yourself. And you know that if they said something stupid you'll still be their friend, so you can count on them to do the same for you