Long ass vent

I don’t know what to do. I’m scared and I’m sad and I’m anxious and paranoid. I’m scared that I have cancer, I’m scared I might do something bad to me, I’m scared I’m gonna fail my classes this term and be sent to a continuation school or something, I’m scared that I’m overdramatizing how I feel again. The other day my dad took me to the doctors to see what was wrong with me, I was overdramatizing and started to hyperventilate and although I really was sick, just a stomach bug or something, it made me feel really bad and sad. I don’t know if I just want some attention. I don’t want to want attention. I thought about talking to my teacher today when it was the end of class so I could see about getting some help because I feel so bad but I chickened out because I started to tear up. I don’t know what to do or if I should do anything. I tried calling my cousin but she didn’t answer and she’s the only person I feel like I can talk to. I tried calling my mom but she didn’t answer either and she’s likely in the hospital right now because she went to the doctors today because of Pancreatic issues again. I feel bad because I’m not worried about her as much as I am me, I don’t have a good relationship with her. I want to have a normal mother-child relationship with her. I don’t know if I should even get help. I don’t want to be selfish anymore. I wish I could just be good. A good person with good thoughts who does good stuff for people and has normal feelings and normal relationships with people and things I want to have good grades I want to stop taking I want to stop using up money I want to go away and disappear and stop causing so much trouble for my dad. I love my little sisters so so so much and I want to be a good sister but I’m lazy and inconsiderate and I don’t care about them as much as I care about me and they deserve so so so much better than me. I realized a little while ago that I was in a bad situation, not abusive or neglectful, not enough bad to call CPS or anything. Just that mom and dad might be manipulating me and I don’t know who to listen to anymore. At first I listened to my dad because my relationship with him is better but with everything that my mom says about him it makes me wonder and now I feel like I cannot trust either of them. They are not together anymore but we have to live together due to unfortunate circumstances and money stuff. I don’t like either of them right now and I want these feelings to go away and I don’t want to be ungrateful because they both do so so much for me and all I do is take from them and I wish I could just disappear without causing any grief or trouble. Be a ghost and be invisible. I’m gonna end up just like the rest of my *** up family members. I don’t know what to do. I want to talk to someone but at the same time I just want to stop and stop and stop and stop and stop and stop and I have lived a good life. There is nothing that could have made me the way I am. I have no trauma. I have no bad experiences except for my mom and dad fighting and repeatedly splitting up and my dad yelling at me and mom yelling at me and being called names a lot and I know I’m listing a lot of bad but it’s really not that bad. Mom and Dad have given me everything, they spoil me even though they don’t really have the money for it, I have a good life and a privileged life but I’m bad. My grades, my thoughts, my actions, my morals, my words, they’re all bad. My *** up little brain can’t even do its *** job like everyone’s brains do and there are so many other people who have it so so much worse than me and are doing better than me. Not to say that just because my hurt is small doesn’t mean that it is invalid or non-existent, I’m just suffering more than I should be with how my life is. It’s just hormones probably, I’m female, I’m a cancer, I’m nearing the end of my menstruation which probably contributes to bad emotions. Still, I want these feelings to go away. I don’t know how to remove them. But writing out my thoughts is helping. So I’m gonna write some more. I know that I’m not conventionally attractive but I like the way I look despite knowing that others don’t like how I look. I thought I was okay with myself, but then I go to school I see pretty girls with pretty bodies and pretty voices, they have boyfriends. People that they can give love to. And that makes me jealous and sad. Sad jealous, not angry covetous jealous. I say that I don’t need romantic relationships but I realize that I want one, I want a girlfriend, someone that I can pour all of my love into because I have so much of it to give, too much and I do not know what to do with it. But I barely even have friends, I have maybe one friend and I hardly talk to him. I wish I looked like other girls, I wish I looked pretty even if I didn’t look like myself, because I feel unwanted and I feel like I’m alien. I know I shouldn’t care what others think but it’s starting to hurt because I realized just a few weeks ago that I was wasting my life, my teen life. Teenage years are years you are supposed to do things, have girlfriends and friends and go to dances and school events. I don’t do anything. I want to make friends. I want to have a girlfriend. I want to be accepted too, and having a girlfriend would make it hard. My mom is homophobic, she says she will support me whatever I do but she is adamant that I am not Bisexual, Lesbian, Trans, any sort of Lgbtq+ person. My dad would be more accepting but he would also be happier if I was straight. I don’t think I like men. I feel bad about it, mostly because I’m supposed to be Christian and I know that homosexuality is sinning. And I also feel bad about not believing in god as much as I am supposed to. If you have read all of this I wanna say thank you, you don’t have to reply, obviously. But knowing that someone has seen my hurting makes it feel a little better. To anyone that is reading this and is hurting, please please please please please stay safe, love yourself even if you do not think you deserve it, take care of yourself. Stay alive and stay healthy, go eat your favorite food or hang out with your family and friends, be happy, please.🩵