IDK

Friend.

Hm.

AKLDFJKASDNFKSLDFM. 

idk. 

i'm feeling exasperated. I'm trying to analyze my friends' interaction. with me.

My feeling...I'm confused cuz I feel it, but I don't have a name or can identify it, so I'll do the logic, I saw my friend mirror me. In the city while we were in a shoe shop, and in a cute miffy themed shop. It makes me feel less alone. She intentionally. Ugh I feel so loved and also not that bad (guilty). Ok. it makes me feel a bit guilty cuz I can't do what she does for me (like repaying a friend or family for emotionally supporting me, heavy *** tol). She's a fricken good friend. 

Basically I'm the type of person who does things, but is also afraid to do anything if it means there's another person in the room. But, I asked my friend let's call her toto if we could stop by the store to check out shoes. the display was all running shoes in pretty blue color, so i wanted to see. Both of my friends looked at shoes and talked while I got to actually check out the shoes. I found it nice that they were doing that. OK. Main point of story, my friend saw I was asking a sales associate to try on a pair. Then, my main friend brough a box of shoes to try on too. It made me feel surprised, a pleasant feeling. I didn't expect her to try on shoes - same brand she had on too. She looked at me and smiled when she got her pair. 

Later, a few hours later, we were walking from golden gate bridge back to my friend's apartment, i saw another cute store, and my friend asked to go in. I sporadically bought a book on empathy. It was about the same price as amazon and I wanted something physical to remember the trip visiting my friend in sf. I am trying to keep in budget, and it makes buying specific something just special. Anyways, as I was at the counter, and the lady finished wrapping my item, my friend rushed and said she was quickly purchasing somethign for her sister. This wasn't a coincidence. With her...when she intentionally mirrors me it makes me feel I guess noticed. So yeah, she's totally being a good friend purposefully. and with the way she does it, I'm not worried or anxious as much. 

I tried saying thanks, but it was general like thanks for staying with me and such. But idk, that's like verbal ish love language type.

Recently I read that you have to act to show i appreciate you type of stuff. And I guess I wanted to say thanks.

*sigh* i used to think words/langauge is the sole way to show appreciation, but action is more a permanent way like she mirrored me to include me. And I think in many of my relationships I feel I'm lacking that, so it's something I just want to note for now. Going outside of verbal into action would be out of my comfort zone.

Ok main part, how do i be a better friend or be a friend presently to someone. How do i train myself to think faster/idk act calmly. Cuz if i were to act, i feel like it's mostly panic, so not acting the default is what i prefer.

Anways. 

She's a good adventurous quick minded inclusive friend.

Then, who am I? What's me? What's perspective/idea? I don't it trivial how do I be a good friend to her? - i think i know, just more outward looking at others and less about myself, but that's so hard, but i guess slowly doable if i want to. 

Good things about today: we went into Sunset district, saw my friend's apt, walked golden gate bridge, talked all three of us on here couch, drank hot water she offered (that was cute), tried yummy indian food, rode the muni (that was smooth and cool), and chilled.

Bad things about today: thoughts/some a n x i e t y at the end of the hangout. 

Overall, I think it went better and good. I can't believe I survived the last part. Also, good job on me for putting up music. Ended up my friend actually liked and knew the artist Kygo.