im so tired

i'm so tired of having this weird feeling in my head, like pressure, like dizziness, i don't know what to call it. i'm so tired of trying to show up. i'm so tired of trying to feel better. i'm so tired of trying to keep opening up and not shut myself down. i'm so tired of being afraid to leave the house because i don't trust my body to carry me to where i have to be. i'm so tired of coughing and crying, feeling like i'll throw up in a second and keep that feeling for some time, i'm so tired of trying to distract myself, so tired of trying to stay grounded. so tired of trying to be healthy and still feeling ugly. i'm so tired of trying to hold on. maybe i never got over it in the first place, maybe this is the new thing, but i'm tired of feeling sick. and tired of pretending not to feel sick. i'm tired and i just don't want to be anymore. i'm tired of dreaming and then thinking who am i to dream and plan, when the day comes it'll just be hard to step out my apartment. i'm tired of trying to find the words for all this because this is merely telling it. i just want to close my eyes and sleep until i feel better, then start a new life.