My bf’s hyperfocus makes him forget me.

Hello,

I'm afraid I can't give you any specific advice, because I think it's very individual, and takes some trial and error...

In general though, like in every relationship, I feel that the most important thing is to be able to openly talk about your issues without a blame. If you both care about each other, I'd expect that you'd be also willing to put some effort into making things work. Including your boyfriend. And since communication is so crucial, I'd start by making sure you can always find the time necessary to talk it all through.

There are a lot of relationship apects that can be affected by one having ADHD. While I can't speak from a personal experience (I haven't been in a romantic relationship), I think there are some good resources online. One that comes to my mind is ADDditude magazine, which has plenty of articles regarding relationships.

If your boyfriend already has some coping mechanisms that could be adapted, it's worth a shot.

And last but not least, don't be afraid to seek a professional help (esp. your boyfriend).

Hope it turns out well for (both of) you 😊.

Mel.

@willingtravler I appreciate that you are thoughtful and are looking for ways to make things work better for both of you. I think coming to the ADHD support board was a smart idea on your part, a lot of the little habits you mention are habits I share, and getting a better idea of what someone else might experience can help you feel more connected. I can’t give you advice, but I may be able to shed a different light on some of the things you mentioned by sharing some of my experiences.

I try to be careful about making promises I can’t keep. However, I still do enthusiastically over-promise sometimes, and I occasionally have to step back and apologize for not following through, because I can’t always foresee it. Something that helps me is to have a concrete, specific task if I agree to something. So for example, if I say I promise to be better about washing my dishes as a general habit, I’m going to forget. When I walk by the dishes, I don’t notice. But say someone else notices dirty dishes and makes a comment about them, that’s a reminder for me to do the dishes, and if I can’t do them right then I will forget. If I’m worried about forgetting something, I make a reminder. I have 3 different color-coded calendars I use, to-do lists, notes on my phone, I snap photos of things to remember, and regularly set alarms to do something I anticipate I’ll forget. And the thing is I do still forget sometimes, so I feel really cared for and closer to people when they are understanding and accepting of that. Having someone else tell me a specific task to prioritize can be helpful for me, and keep in mind a lot of people with ADHD struggle with procrastination. Some people need a hard deadline, or the task will never get completed or even started.  

That forgetful squirreliness you describe (EG getting up and leaving, and forgetting to come back) is a bit different. I get very antsy when cuddling and usually need to get up and do something after 10 minutes. To put a cap on the squirreling? I'm not sure if it's a cap really, because it just means I need to do something physical. I have a lot of fidget toys at my desk at work, they help me stay when I'd rather be walking around, but I also take little walks around the office a lot. If I get anxious, I like to go for a hard run at the gym when I can. If I am interested in cuddling, its only when I’m physically tired and have some kind of stimulation (for example, listening to a podcast or watching a show). So I really just need to get that energy out of my system, but that doesn't necessarily mean I don't want to do something. It just means I have an overabundance of energy and attention, and want to be doing more. 

Hyperfixation is not usually a problem for me, I do have my own boundaries for it but I love the feeling and don’t feel like I require support. It can be a little annoying sometimes, but it is also the best part about ADHD for me. I work in the biology field and that desire to learn and problem-solve in such a unique way strengthened me in a lot of areas where others struggle. It actually helped me connect with a lot of curious coworkers who are fascinated by the same things. I would wonder how your partner feels about his hyperfixation, and what it means to him?

To support him better with challenges, I think this really depends on the question of his feelings, and how these impact him. ADHD isn’t necessarily an issue on its own, it really depends on what environment someone is in, such as how well a system is designed with them in mind (like a school or a job). Learning how he relates to it could open up a deeper conversation about what he wants or needs. 

For life hacks, everyone is so different. I’ve found it helpful to just do some simple things in ways that work with me instead of against me. For example, I love audiobooks and will listen while I do mundane tasks, because reading through a paper book usually takes me months compared to a week since I’ll pause to do something and forget about the paper book after reading two pages. I found a lot of peace when I started accepting a lot of what I do as just a different way of doing things instead of an incorrect way of doing things. 

I’m sorry you’re struggling in this and I hope you are able to have some fruitful talks soon that will bring you closer together. Feel free to message me if you’d like to chat!