Choosing to do "the thing"

I have never created a post before, I have not been part of much therapy before. I feel I need to preface in this way because I am struggling majorly with motivation and procrastination.

I have struggled for way too long and have no idea where to start my repair. So I figured I would start here with my adhd that I have only personally felt the strong feelings I have.

1. I cannot remember the order of importance of major events in my life, just a generalized age or year when I happened, and cannot always price the story/memory correctly.

2. The levels of importance I have are based only on how I will feel in the end of the issue, I have been able to superpower this before but I burnout way to fast from last of control. Everything becomes important when this happens and I get overwhelmed and enrage easily.

3. I am either; A. Anxious and short emotionally; B. Depressed and lack of motivations; or C. Distant and unable to show empathy.

I have become so overwhelmed and unable to for a romantic connection with my partner. I have no been able to keep a job for over a year at any point in my life. I am struggling with my heart and mind to find myself a meaning to keep going outside of my family. I have no friends I connect with, I have no hobbies that I actively keep without getting way too sucked in and the again forget my order of importance I am intended to have with my responsibilities, I instead chase the happy feeling that grabs my attention in that moment and hope that it continues. Life is not this way however, there are turns and strifes and i can't get any mental thought away from making people around me happy, or caring about my happiness.

I need to be able to work and provide for my family, I need to be a safe place for my family so that they can rely on me. I need to be able to communicate and effectively show empathy towards my partner, and talk about issues they have without just getting anxious or depressed or distant.

I am getting onto a medication and seeking actual diagnosis. I can't keep living this way.

I am sorry I info dump, it's currently my only way. Any and all out reach is loved and appreciated. I just don't know where else to go and cannot afford anything outside of these amazing communities here.

Thank you