ADHD and Marriage
I'll preface this thread by saying my wife is very well educated, smart and very successful at her career, however our marriage/relationship has been very rocky at times. I am a pretty chill person, educated, smart, driven, lively but not up for drama--I also have controllable anxiety which I take meds for. We also have two kids who are 6 and 8 years old. My wife of 12 years has ADHD. Her ADHD causes challenges in our relationship and I need advice/help/thoughts navigating them. The reoccurring issues surrounding our marriage/relationship and my wifes ADHD are:
- She says literally whatever is on her mind in the moment, which is good and bad. If what she says comes across as degrading to me I usually can shake it off, but sometimes I cannot and respond back verbally saying I didn't appreciate something she said, etc--which can create issues. Also, because she says whatever is on her mind/her opinion she can come across as a "know it all" or even aggressive to people outside of our marriage.
- She has gotten to the point where I cannot verbally share with her my feelings with her regarding if I feel slighted by something she said or did to me. If I do share, she often gets upset, won't hear me out, doesn't say sorry or even threatens for us to get a divorce, live in separate homes, etc.
- The day after making verbal threats like we should get a divorce, live in separate homes, etc--she doesn't address the threats, it's like she never said it. She has made these divorce/separate home threats about 3-4 times a year for the last 5 years--yet in that 5 years we have continued to buy/sell homes, go on family vacations, celebrate anniversaries etc. I usually don't bring up her threats again because in the past when I do, she gets upset our doubles down on the threats again.
There are the biggest ADHD challenges we have currently and I need advice/help/thoughts please. Thank You
@ChannaBanana
Hi Channa! 😊 ❤️ Thank you for creating this forum post and for finding the courage to reach out. I commend you my friend! I appreciate you sharing your thoughts.
I must say, what you are dealing with, sounds most challenging. This sounds difficult to navigate at times. Clearly you care for your wife and deeply, however the behavior would be quite "off putting" for anyone. It appears as if she has no "filter" or does not use it with interactions with you.
I imagine this can be most hurtful and especially considering the ultimatums that you have to hear over and over. While I am not a trained and licensed therapist and am not here to diagnose anyone, what you are experiencing sounds vastly different than an ADHD trait. Those with ADHD do not automatically come with this "tag" of engaging in that way.
I have to wonder if there is some comorbidity and that your wife may potentially suffer from other things as well. There at times, can be "overlap" and your wife may have not been properly diagnosed in the past or fully diagnosed with additional things.
It sounds as if there is a great deal of "push/pull" with your relationship meaning...."come here and go away", threats and challenging you whenever you try to express your feelings.
Your feelings matter too my friend. You should be allowed to be heard, your feelings to be considered in the relationship as well as your boundaries to be honored without being threatened each time you try to do so. I am so very sorry that this is happening to you.
Again, I am not here to diagnose anyone. However, I am allowed to notice a potential "trait" or "traits". Just here with you to brainstorm, toss around ideas and concepts in a teamwork effort, things that you may want to consider.
If you like, you could investigate what are called "personality disorders". Youtube can be a wonderful educational experience. If it were me, I would focus on Cluster B and specifically BPD within that domain...Borderline Personality Disorder. While you wouldn't want to diagnose your wife either in this way, you may be able to see certain traits that could be readily apparent of being presented in your relationship. If you see some of those things it could bring you comfort that what it is that you are experiencing is real, that you are not alone in seeing these traits in others.
Your wife may want to reach out for additional diagnoses and in doing so, it will only help with self awareness, support from a trained clinician, being equipped with tools on how to navigate relationships, etc.
Even if that is not an option, it sounds like life is pretty hard for you living in this way. You too can reach out for support from a therapist and I imagine living with your wife is really challenging. We, here on 7 cups, are also here to support you! The forums are a great place to receive support as well as reaching out to a trained active listener for 1-1 chats (or many of them), joining sub communities as well as being a part of the group rooms.
I'm hoping my response was of some help today. If not, perhaps others will see your post and add their valuable insight.
*high fives* 😊 big *hugs* ❤️ and stay great my friend!
@SparkyGizmo Can you please tell me more about Borderline Personality Disorder?
@ChannaBanana
Hi Channa! 😊 ❤️ Thank you for reaching out. As for me, I don't have what is called "lived experience" with ADHD or BPD. I am not neuro divergent nor do a I suffer from a personality disorder.
I certainly did do my personal best to kind of jump in and support you as best as possible. I have been hoping that others might see this thread and perhaps add their insight as I imagine it might be really helpful. We can still remain hopeful! 😊
Anything that I may know is based on my educational background, reading what it is, that is in the DSM-V as well as reading or hearing the "latest greatest" within the literature, latest studies that have been conducted.
Youtube, once again, can be a nice educational resource to start from. Dr. Grande may be a good one to begin with to see what it is that he has to say in regard to the subject matter.
*high fives* 😊 and big *hugs* ❤️
I can see myself sort of what you would describe of her. I didn’t even aware of how I act until now. What I can say is in the heat of the moment, we say the most hurtful *** but it has nothing to do with you. It could be our own self hate and tell her when she calms down that she needs to work on herself, no one should be the bearer of your bad mood and seek professional help where you can vent and let it all out, not letting those things hurt what took us so long to build. Be there with her, but give each other enough space to grow and heal. Much love to you too!
I would like to add my 2 cents here, that first I’m so sorry you are going through that. It sounds like it can be very stressful at times. What you described does *not* necessarily go with ADHD. I am not a mental health professional so I only have guesses as to what your wife “has”, but the essential piece is that you don’t feel free to express negative feelings. Echoing what has been said: your feelings matter. Being able to express yourself is essential in a relationship, and it is a 100% reasonable expectation that you should be able to express when a comment has hurt you without fear of ultimatums, threats of divorce…. that must feel very tenuous! Sending you good thoughts as you work to be able to express yourself in your marriage.