To those struggling with addiction to pornography

Hi. My name is Kelley. I am a 34 year old white, cis-gender male. I have struggled with addiction to pornography my whole life. I want to help people heal as I have healed.

Addiction to porn started when I was 10 years old, in fifth grade. I got a sensation when I looked at nude bodies in my father's playboys. Then computers came out in the 90's and so did the internet. By the time high school rolled around, I was full on engulfed in porn addiction.

At first, pornography disgusted me. This was the original emotion I felt. "How could these women like doing this? What is the point of degrading women? Why are the men doing this to these poor women"? It made me feel uncomfortable with humanity. But I thought, "if I can't beat these people, I will join them". I started masturbating incessantly. I would do it in the bathrooms at school, in restaurants. I would stay home from church and masturbate 6 or 7 times. I didn't know what to do with the feelings, so I exploited them, much like the girls in the videos were being exploited. It was a degraded feeling after I would ejaculate. I felt guilty and ashamed, as I'm sure many young men do.

In high school, I met a girl. We would have sex and I would feel nothing. I just wanted more, and she provided. I gave her no choice. If she didn't, I would break up with her. She ended up breaking up with me when it turned into an obsession, on my part, with sex. I felt nothing. I asked myself on the way there, "did I love this girl?" I couldn't come up with an answer. I was 16.

After two more failed relationships with girls hwo I would have sex with regularly, and two others which were spontaneous one-night stands, I stopped trying. I didn't want to hurt anyone anymore. I turned to pornography, started masturbating to very hardcore things, and thought, "this is normal, this is alright". When people would look at me funny because something was off with me, I thought, "it's there problem, not mine". I started blaming my family for my interactions, and when they didn't know what to say, I turned to drugs.

I smoked marijuana after school every day for two years. Again, in my mind, this was normal, natural, fine. "It's just what kids do" I would tell myself. Then I found myself exploring other mind-altering street drugs. LSD, magic mushrooms, ecstasy, cocaine, methamphetamine, etc. This led to darker, more miserable places, frustration, and ultimately a whole lot of pain, even horror.

Eventually I was diagnosed with a mental illness because no one knew what else to do. I depleted my father's bank account on many occasions. He paid for intensive psychotherapy, mental wellness programs and tried to get my on medication. This ended when I was drunk on the streets yelling that people would get shot. I was put in a psyche ward for 3 days, then onto residential treatment for 3 months. By then, I started taking medication.

The point of me telling this is I'm ready to talk about my experiences. I'm ready to help people struggling with sexual issues, drug abuse, and other things. I am ready to tell my story and to start on that long road to healing.

If it hadn't been for certain people in my life, namely my mentors and family, friends and relatives, I would have died a long time ago. I have seen three friends commit suicide. I have seen all sorts of bad stuff, heard voices, the whole nine yards. But I now know that life is good, there is a plan, and we can all be free of any type of addiction.

I want to help.

Much love to everyone on this site!

Kelley