Improving Myself

Hello Everyone:

I'm 21, male, and I watch porn, on average, twice a week. I first found it when I was 12, then put it away when I realized that I should find a girl instead of looking at nudes on the internet. Then I got back into it when I was 14 because someone showed it to me, but it wasn't a problem because I was able to lay it to rest a year later. I didn't look at porn for another four years. When I was 19, I had the nerve to search it again. Since then, the longest I have been able to abstain was 8 weeks.

I understand that some might say that it's normal and perhaps even "okay" to watch porn and that everybody has watched porn at some point. While I agree with the latter proposition, I find porn to be very unhealthy. It gives its viewers a skewed idea of what sex is like. In addition, I personally get a temporary and false sense of feeling wanted. I usually watch cams or "home-made" videos of women masturbating because 1) the other porn I've seen is obviously fake; and 2) I want to feel like someone wants me. I feel a connection (again, false) with a woman on the internet who decides to show me her genitals, breasts, ass, etc., because those are organs that are only meant to be seen my close romantic partners and not by people who scourge the internet for nudes.

Honestly, I've never had the best luck with the ladies. I had two huge crushes in high school whose feelings I couldn't confess, I was molested by a guy in high school, I had a girl in high school give me romantic gestures just to realize she was with someone. I had a ginormous and absolutely intoxicating crush on a woman in college, and I ended up taking a leave as a result of the depression/anxiety resulting from school work and my feelings for the college gal. It's especially frustrating because I feel like I'm an ideal partner who has his life on track. I'm a music major who is writing a musical to be put on next semester, I lost 20 pounds when I was 14 and strive to live a healthy life today, I have been improving my social skills, and I try to put on a smile when greeting someone. Granted, I understand that other people are busy and may not want a relationship. I also wouldn't plead my case for being a good partner to anyone I know because I know that would make my chances zero, so I decided to just share it here because I know I wouldn't date anyone I talk to here.

I wouldn't say that I'm addicted, but I definitely consume porn, a controversial good, for bad reasons. Funny thing is, I masturbate without porn, but I watch porn to fulfill my visual senses by looking at a women's boobs, vagina, or butt. It's not something that I'm supposed to see and neither am I supposed to just tear off a woman's clothes just to look at those parts (yes, I understand consent). I feel like I truly know a cam model, for example, when I see her errogenous organs, despite that doesn't seem right as I type it.

That is all. Here is to 2020 in which I keep trying to live a better life. I wish everybody the strength to pursue healthy relationships with real people.