The love of my life can't stop drinking..
I'm married to the love of my life, we are both almost 50, have been married for 4 years, have adult children, and now new grandchildren. He is one of the kindest men I have ever known, that is until he drinks. He is high functional and works everyday. While he has cut down, he still drinks heavily when he does drink, on average I would say half or more of a bottle of vodka. He also tends to hide bottles and sneaks shots when he can. When he does this he becomes unstable in his walk and behaviors, has complete blackouts, and repeats himself usually with rude or mean comments. Sometimes it turns into verbal rage to the point I have to leave because he will tear me apart. My anxiety is so high with not knowing when it will happen the next time. I don't know if I can handle it anymore but love him so much for all the good things he is and does for me and our family. He knows he does this and feels bad and shameful about it but can't stop and won't get help. I'm just so hurt and so confused.
@Thoughtfulfriend1
i know what you are going through and it has to be his decision to get help and quit for good.... this does not happen when things are going OK ......you are enabling him by staying and making excuses it is not all the time etc......... same for anyone else that knows and lets it go.... high functioning drunks are difficult to convince because they have not lost a job or maybe got in trouble like driving while impaired so they believe there is no issue.
I found my partners bottles etc and put they on display as we spoke.......you can also take a photo of how many per week example and share this with others in family as well ....
I told him he could drink into a stupor every night if he likes but it had to be at Home and i could invite others to watch him....
OUR grown child was on board in tough love...... telling him as long as there was even a chance he does drink........ he can NEVER drive a grandchild... this make a REALITY hit them in the face.
I told him if it is NOT a problem why is it hidden....? share your wonderful hobby with others....
i wished i spoke up earlier than i did................... as the long term effects can cause problems as we age.... my person has early on set dementia issues and i will most likely just spend my retirement years not doing travel or things.......... but as a full time caregiver.... ask yourself if that is what you want ?
.....if not have a real intervention or leave................ because when it comes to money for retirement is not there he drank it / he can not remember anything and almost burns down house trying to help cook ..... etc................ believe me the LOVE fades quicker then you can imagine and turns to resentment and bitterness.
Thank you for your insight. I know I can not change him. It must be his choice. Fortunately for the sake of others, his drinking binges are only when we are home and won't be driving anywhere. The only exception is if we are spending the night out away, he will drink knowing we won't be driving anywhere. Unfortunately for me, that is all the times I am there too. I am not ready to give up and let go. I truly have such a deep love for him and vowed we are in it until the end. I am really struggling with my feelings though and how to cope. I absolutely hate when we go through this. I am confused because I've never been happier around someone when he is sober, he brings out the best in me, yet I feel like I completely fall apart when he has had too much and becomes a different person I don't like at all.
@Thoughtfulfriend1
"I am confused because I've never been happier around someone when he is sober, he brings out the best in me, yet I feel like I completely fall apart when he has had too much and becomes a different person I don't like at all."
have you shared this with HIM ...... i found the things that got to the core of spouse was not the just the facts but the real thing of he can never erase all the ugly that he did while drunk.
My father is functioning alcoholic it’s very hard to deal with I keep trying to get him to stop . I grew up with it until moving out . I’m sorry you’re going through this . We can chat more through here if u want .
It’s extremely hard for us guys to say we need help .
I know and I understand that. I know he has things hurting him that he refuses to talk about because it instantly upsets him. I brought up to him yesterday that I would like for us to try talking and communicating more. I let him know that I have sharing all of my hurting with him and that I want to also be there to listen and support him. He said he thinks about his estranged daughter everyday and it kills him, then he became upset and resentful towards me and said he felt he was doing good and now this and didn't need this from me. Now I feel worse.
Do you know any of his old friends? If so, you could talk to them about your worries and ask if they can talk to him without mentioning that you asked him to do it. For some people, talking to certain loved ones about how they feel can be extremely difficult, if not impossible. The fear of them looking at you different.. It took me a year and a half to realize exactly what I was doing to myself and other people, so if that does not work, he might have to figure it out for himself. I hope this was somewhat helpful. If you would like to talk further, I am always available.