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Projecting Blame
CaloenasNicobarica August 8th, 2017
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So.... Goin' through some really terrible stuff lately. I have an abusive partner which I'm getting organized to get divorced from, but living with them has re-traumatized me due to their abuse. Today I had a meltdown. Cried, was uncertain about every aspect of life and all. Then he kept on trying to talk to me and give his usual "pep talks" because he doesn't know how to empathize like a normal human. Eventually, he told me that I needed to work harder and couldn't take any breaks because I was out of time for what I was doing.

Yeah, great. I went back and told him that wasn't cool to say when I have all these things going on. That he's basically telling me I shouldn't be sleeping, shouldn't relax, etc. and that I didn't think that was very good advice considering it felt like he was saying those things directly. Well, you don't usually try to argue with such people. He instead, tried to formulate an argument and make me wait while he acted all melodramatically with facepalming. He turned it into me blaming him and flipped it so I was insane and WRONG for twisting his words into such lies! I merely told him how I FELT it sounded like.

I can't help if I feel vulnerable and unsupported. He then said it was wrong for me to expect him to apologize(I didn't even need an apology). I walked away when he attempted to raise his voice and get me to "talk" with him which was finger pointing interrogation BS. The conversation was actually supposed to be about what I wanted to do with my continuing college. UGH. Cannot tell you how many times he's flipped the script on me and turned it into a blame game. My psych has told me to stick up for myself and walk away from him when he gets like this. I can't even say how I feel without a backlash- and all advice he gives has to be great apparently. It's freakin' ridiculous and draining. Just wanted to get it off my chest...

1
Rain45 August 8th, 2017
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@CaloenasNicobarica Hey Caleonas, Im really sorry to hear about the situation your in at the moment with an abusive partner. I do want to say thank you for sharing what you have and for posting here. That must have been difficult for you and I hope you can feel able to reach out for support when you need it.

Being in an abusive relationship is very tough, even if your making plans to divorce them. Have you explored options with regards being able to live in a safe environment until that point happens eg refuge? Or what measures you could put into place like protection orders? It may not be something you want to do, but I wondered if you had given this any thought, because remaining in an abusive relationship keeps you being hurt

The thing with those who abuse in relationships is they try their best to make others feel responsible for their behaviour and their constant remarks, cause people's self esteem and self worth to hit the floor. You say your working towards divorcing them. What brought you to this point, and how do you feel about the fact your still living with them now? Is there any chance, the way your being treated could make you feel differently about leaving?

It also wouldn't matter what you had said to him, or the way in which you worded it, abusers find reasons to try and justify their behaviour and will pull out of the bag anything that places guilt and blame onto the other person, meaning they are not held accountable and do not take responsibillity for what they do. The best thing to do, is to think about what would protect you, what could you do whilst in that environment to keep yourself safe, and if trying to explain what you said only serves to antagonise him, perhaps for your sake, its better to remain quiet but having said this, that too could be used by an abuser, eg your ignoring me! You cannot win.

I hear that your therapist said about standing up for yourself but think carefully about what actions would help to keep you safe. Always try and put yourself first, because the situation your in, unless your partner wishes to change their behaviour and get help, is unlikely to change and the damage they cause will be on you.

Thank you for sharing

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