De-escalating Conflict
I wanted to write this post to offer more direction to everyone on how to defuse conflict and better manage difficult situations in our community. This is particularly relevant to mentors and moderators, but is worthwhile information for all of us
(Added bonus: you can apply this info to real life too!)
What is conflict?
Conflict is a disagreement or argument. It can be between two people, or a group. It can happen when two or more people have differences of opinion, or would prefer for different things to happen. Conflict can take different forms. Sometimes you might just sense that youre in conflict with someone, without necessarily understanding how or why it happened. The key thing to remember is to remain kind and friendly towards the other person so that you dont add to it.
Other times, conflict can be more obvious and heated. For example, someone might be openly angry and frustrated in PM, or in a chat room on the site. In these cases, you can follow the steps below:
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➊ Make yourself appear non-threatening to the other person
If you appear threatening, the other person will automatically be in defence mode. By remaining calm and approachable, you help the other person to relax, making them more likely to discuss the problem reasonably.
♦ Dont make threats or accusations
♦ Dont attempt to explain or justify yourself at this point
♦ Remain calm & friendly.
➋ Listen & acknowledge their feelings
Give the other person chance to speak first, and work to understand their side of the problem. You dont have to agree with them - just put yourself in their shoes and try to understand their point of view. As a rule of thumb, people tend to do the best they can with the tools and knowledge they have available at the time.
♦ Assume the best of the other person.
♦ Reflect back what you hear and identify the feelings the other person/people are expressing. E.g. I can hear how frustrated you are right now. or, I can understand how that would be upsetting for you.
➌ Explain your side
Explain your own thoughts, feelings or concerns if the other person is open to hearing - however, take care not to be accusatory. If the person feels threatened, they can bounce straight back into defense mode.
♦ Use phrases that begin with I rather than you. E.g. I feel frustrated when I see you do X. Rather than, You make me angry when you do X. or I need to ensure this room stays supportive and thats hard when you X. Rather than, You make the room unsupportive when you do X
♦ Apologize if necessary. E.g. I am sorry I misunderstood you before.
NOTE: In some cases, sharing your side may be educating them about relevant site-resources that can help them manage different types of situations. Ex. if you are being threatened by a member, you can show them how to use the block button. Teach them how to take care of themselves using the site tools & guidelines.
➍ When in doubt, kill them with kindness!
If the other person is not interested in talking things through, or youre just not sure what to say to them, be sure to stick to kind and friendly things only. This helps to avoid fuelling the situation.
➎ Move forward
This is the ultimate goal in de-escalating a situation. You need to be able to move forward positively, without grudges being held by anyone involved.
♦ Initiate a topic change.
♦ Avoid bringing up previous events in future interactions.
♦ Take care not to hold grudges
NOTE: Sometimes a situation will not be fully de-escalated by the end. That is okay. Especially if this is a conflict in PM, you need to know when its time to walk away. Sometimes, it will take someone a while to calm down. Professionally let them know that youd like to end the conversation. After you announce that you are leaving, it is okay to no longer respond to them for 24 hours. After that time, you can follow up if needed/ if you feel comfortable.
