There Is No Norm. There Is No Normal.

**Trigger warning: This topic includes subject matter on sex, sexuality. Take care in deciding whether you would like to continue reading**

Our experiences in society can often produce a perception that there are norms – conventions or standards that are the pillars of acceptance into a society. In honour of World Sexual Health Day, I would like to talk about norms in the context of sex, sexuality, and sexual health in order to open dialogue about diversity in these topics, and ultimately the injurious results of these norms. There are three norms that I would like to talk about specifically, although please remember that these are not comprehensive. There are many norms in the context of sex, sexuality, and sexual health that are still not talked about. Today, I will open dialogue on three norms: gender norms, orientation norms, and preference norms.

Gender Norms

The baby blanket for a newborn baby girl is a soft pink. This pink is not only representative of the perceived gender of the baby, but it is also a representation of a phenomenon that she will experience for the rest of her life. Society will tell her that girls are soft-spoken, weaker than men, more desirable when they are well kept. She might go to University and find that people are often shocked that she wants to become an Engineer. She might grow into adulthood realizing that her defiance of what she has been taught about women is frowned upon.

The expectations we have of particular genders – developed over history as male and female are incredibly limiting. Why is it that men are the strong ones? Why is it that men are chastised if they cry? There are deeply engrained stereotypes about femininity and masculinity that are continuously pervasive.

Gender norms are especially destructive for anyone who deviates from the norm. Any sense of deviation from the norm can be judged, looked down upon, or vilified. Those who do not identify as male or female especially have consistently more difficulty, as there is no historical classification for them. Norms defy the promotion of diversity in our societies. Our society normalizes a gender binary of female/male – you are either/or. However, gender identities and expressions are diverse and transcend this binary as gender works on a spectrum.

Orientation Norms

Heteronormativity is the phenomenon of society expecting that all of its members are heterosexual. This means that women will be sexually attracted to men, and men will be sexually attracted to women. In relation to the Gender Norms section above, this is already problematic for those of us who do not identify as female or male. This is problematic for everyone who identifies with a sexual orientation that is not heterosexuality, as well as the rest of society because we are alienating others based on a norm that is a fictional representation of an ideology that is outdated and oppressive. Ultimately, we want societies that are open, accepting, diverse, and contain a population that has the freedom to express, or not express, how they identify.

Preference Norms

Sexual preferences are diverse, and it is crucial for an inclusive society to recognize that diversity. We often feel the pressure to express sexual attraction in a certain way, to possess the desire to have sexual attraction, and to prefer certain things when it comes to sex and sexuality. As an example, it is considered a norm to want sex, however, not everyone desires sex.

We have expectations of sex and sexuality that are increasingly oppressive, especially towards minority groups that have preferences, orientations, expressions, and identities that do not follow along with the invalid norms that are still followed throughout culture and society. There is nothing wrong with identifying oneself with these norms, however it is just as important to remember that there is nothing wrong with diverging from these norms.

When it comes to sex and sexuality, there is no normal or correct way of conducting oneself. There are many other examples that I want to mention for the sake of thinking about them, such as:

Norms about how much you should have sex

Norms about when you should have sex

Norms about why you should have sex

Norms about what you should like during sex

I brought these particular three norms up because this World Sexual Health Day is about Sexual Rights and justice. Far too often, those of us who are different than the norm are marginalized and that is a complete injustice. It has been too long that we have forced others into shame for being different. It is the time to open ourselves to all, whether from different backgrounds, cultures, or identities. Norms are preventative measures against that, so lets break them.

All my love,

Lee.