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Regret

General Support / by shyPark5026

46 seconds ago

...See more How do I deal with the regret of my poor decision making? I started dating a man 21 years my senior when I was 19, (he,40yo) and on year 7 I cheated.. we have a small child together with special needs. First 5 years I was head over heels . Year 6/7 not so much . My communication isn’t the best due to my childhood trauma but I do my best. I communicated my needs. His financial situation was in turmoil 6 months into our relationship due to bad business deals so I went into overdrive doing everything I could to keep us afloat while he was just trying to mentally survive everyday. Overtime , he went from the charismatic sweet guy I fell in love with to an angry, impatient, combative man because of what he was going through financially. Certain problem I had in the relationship, I verbalized to him that they needed to change. These problems were the result of his anger. He listened but didn’t really hear me because once it all surfaced that I cheated he said he didn’t think my complaints were that serious and I should’ve made it more clear that it was that serious. He tried to throw polygamy in the mix of our relationship around year 5, asking how I would feel about him having another wife and/or would I try being bisexual because he always knew his “wife” was going to be a bisexual woman. (I’m not bisexual) He also used to be a pimp. Used to dealing with women who don’t care for anything but sex and will take care of him hand in foot. I mention this because he told me in the past that I’m asking him to do more than any other woman has, women usually don’t expect anything from him except his presence and sex. He told me this is supposedly his first real relationship. He said this is different because he actually chose to love me and be faithful. anyway , during year 7 I had a 2-month fling going on with the maintenance man in my neighborhood. I found a cop-out to my relationship problems. And in the moment, I felt like I was choosing me, I felt like I had met someone who actually heard me and was ready to meet me on the level of love I desired, which I now realize was extremely stupid and selfish, I forgot all about my family unit, our son, how this would affect him, how much I would really hurt my partner although to be honest the behavior displayed up to the point had me under the impression that our relationship didn’t matter that much to him which is apart of what left me to feel insignificant and replaceable and like I didn’t matter much to him. so two months after I cut the guy off, I told my partner the worst of what happened but not all the details cause he didn’t want to hear it. He said if I would’ve told him everything right then he would unalived me. We agreed we would talk later. A whole year went by and we avoided the conversation because we wanted to stay together so bad. But he got a phone call the other day telling him some stuff about my affair that wasn’t true so I had to finally tell him all the details. As you can imagine I am every worst name in the book now. Now the self hatred is running rampant. It was bad before but as you can imagine since he knows the full truth it is worse now. I question how I could be so foul😢 to a person I once loved soooo much. I have so much regret about my decision. I wish I would’ve thought to go to couples counseling, or something similar, to save my relationship before I stepped out. I wish I would’ve tried harder. He hates me now. Told me don’t open my mouth and speak around him cause he might snap if he hears my voice. We’re in a house in separate rooms. Still have a son to raise. I feel so filthy, disgusting, disappointed, regretful, every thing bad you can think of I’ve called myself. I still have to work because I have a mouth to feed. I’m trying to look forward to the future but the hurt won’t allow me to see far. He spent the last year throwing what I did in my face any chance he could get, it went from every day to every other hour, he’s back in my face screaming at me about what I did. Interrogating me over and over. Telling me how much he hates me and that I ruined his life and his life is over cause he’ll never find love at age 50, being broke. He said I owe him my life and I guess I do because he could’ve unalived me. I guess I’m just here crying trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces and smile again, at least. I don’t have the courage to date again even though he thinks I’m gonna move on quickly. But I’m no good to anybody tbh. I just want to believe that I’m not my mistakes although he tells me that I am, that I’m a ***, that he saved a ***, that he saved me from being violated by another man out here when I should’ve been violated because I’m a bad person who deserves it, that I’m disgusting, so on and forth. Having thoughts of self deletion but my son is the only thing stopping me. I feel like I don’t even deserve to feel hurt but he doesn’t understand, I don’t think anybody understand, that I am grieving my relationship too. The future I thought I would have. My family is ruined and I’ll later in life have to explain why. I’ll never be married or have a happy ending at this point. Last thing I want to do is date and even remotely come close to a situation like this again. No one likes single moms and when I tell them why I’m single they’re gonna treat me like *** too, so no thanks. I’m downing zzz quill just to get a few hours rest before I’m woken and haunted by my thoughts again. Laying in bed all day letting depression beat me down. He’s also depressed and angry and crying and randomly lashing out on me all day. We are both a mess. How do I hold my head up ever again?? How do I keep going?? People say forgive yourself but how???? Help

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Icebreakers and Games / by Tinywhisper11

6 minutes ago

Conquering Worry: A Practical Approach to Managing Worry

Anxiety Support / by Hope

2 minutes ago

...See more Hi everyone! I hope you are well. This is week 2 of our Conquering Worry series. Worry is something that can easily take over our minds, but by using a structured approach, we can break free from it. Here’s how you can tackle worry in a practical, step-by-step manner. Step 1: Get the Facts Worry often stems from uncertainties, which are usually based on assumptions or incomplete information. To eliminate this, gather all the facts before jumping to conclusions. Knowing the full picture helps reduce anxiety and gives you a clear understanding of the situation. As Charles Kettering puts it: "A problem well stated is a problem half solved." If you are having trouble being objective, Carnegie recommends imagining you're a lawyer preparing to argue both sides of the case, collecting all evidence for and against you, and then finding the truth between these opposing views. Carnegie highly recommends writing the facts down. Do not do it in your head! Step 2: Analyze the Facts Once you’ve gathered the facts, break down the problem into manageable parts. Write down the problem, its causes, and potential solutions. By analyzing the facts in an organized way, you take away the emotional charge that often accompanies worry. Step 3: Decide and Act Once you’ve analyzed the facts, it’s time to make a decision and take action. Worry often arises from indecision and procrastination. Instead of overthinking the situation, choose a course of action and stick to it. The key is to take immediate steps to address the problem. Here are the questions to help you implement these steps! * What am I worrying about? * What can I do about it? * Here is what I am going to do about it. * When am I going to start doing it? Here is what it looks like when applied to a relationship stress issue. * What am I worrying about? * I’m worried that my partner and I are growing apart and that our relationship is not as strong as it used to be. * What can I do about it? * I can have an open and honest conversation with my partner to express my concerns and work together on improving our relationship. * Here is what I am going to do about it. * I will plan a time to sit down with my partner and talk about our feelings. * When am I going to start doing it? * I will bring it up tonight when we have some quiet time together. If you have done the above and still find yourself worried. Another great strategy is to use the following! A Magic Formula for Solving Worry Situations Dale Carnegie’s magic formula helps simplify any worry situation and helps you regain control by addressing your fears head-on. This is particularly helpful if you tend to catastrophize a lot. Ask: What is the worst that can happen? Identify the worst possible outcome and acknowledge it. This often takes away the fear of the unknown. Mentally accept the worst-case scenario. Accepting the worst-case scenario doesn’t mean you’re resigning to failure, but it reduces the fear around it. When you accept it, you lessen its power over you. Take action to improve the situation. Once you’ve accepted the worst-case scenario, take action. Focus on what you can do to improve the outcome, no matter how small the step may be. This puts you back in control. Here is how it looks when applied to the same relationship issue. * Ask yourself, "What is the worst that can possibly happen?" * The worst-case scenario is that my partner and I may break up, or that we may continue to drift apart, leading to a relationship that doesn’t feel fulfilling anymore. * Prepare to accept it if you have to. * I acknowledge that relationships can go through tough times, and sometimes they don’t work out. If things don’t improve, I can learn from the experience and grow as a person. * Then calmly proceed to improve on the worst. * I will take action by having an honest conversation with my partner, expressing my concerns, and asking if we can work together on improving the relationship. By taking this step, I feel empowered to address the issue and take control of the outcome. By following these structured approaches, gathering the facts, analyzing them, and making a decision to act, you’ll begin to feel more in control of your worries. Remember, worry often thrives in uncertainty, and by clarifying the facts and taking action, you break the cycle of overthinking. Dale Carnegie’s magic formula offers a practical way to address your fears head-on. By identifying and accepting the worst-case scenario, and then taking steps to improve the situation, you can regain your sense of control. It may not always lead to immediate solutions, but it will put you on the path toward progress and empowerment. Time for the task of the week! Attention Listeners! Due to the nature of the activity, listeners are encouraged to be mindful of their listener role whilst sharing. You can take part, avoid revealing too many personal details and if possible choose relatively light-hearted topics for the sake of practicing here. 🔦Activities of the week Part 1: Think of the problem that is playing on your mind and answer the following questions. * What am I worrying about? * What can I do about it? * Here is what I am going to do about it. * When am I going to start doing it? Part 2: Now thinking of the same issue, answer the following questions * What is the worst that can happen? * How would you feel if that worst-case scenario occurred? * What steps can you take, no matter how small, to improve the situation right now? Resources and Further Reading * How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie, Chapter 2 * Catastrophizing [https://www.7cups.com/forum/siteupdates/HopesCorner_2162/LearningaboutCognitiveDistortionsDistortionNo1Catastrophizing_314208/?post=3373496] * How to Worry Less and Not Panic [https://www.7cups.com/forum/siteupdates/GlensNookCommunity_547/HowtoWorryLessandNotPanic_300790/] ------------------------- This post is part of the Conquering Worry series, you can find all posts of the series here. [https://www.7cups.com/forum/community/CommunitySpace_2590/MasterpostConqueringWorryOngoingSeriesCertificateAvailable_344231/]

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