Why Do I Feel Addicted to My Ex?

"There are all sorts of reasons why we might miss an ex who is no longer in our life. Our ex may have been attractive, fun, and shared our passion for books and travel. We may have made wonderful plans for a future together that now will never happen.

How is it possible to become addicted to another person?

One of the most useful explanatory concepts that have come out of the focus on the diagnosis and treatment of personality disorders is the concept of the “self-object.” This concept was introduced by the great Austrian-American psychiatrist Heinz Kohut .

What is a self-object?

We use this person to perform psychological or other functions for us that, theoretically, we could learn to perform for ourselves, such as soothing us when we feel hurt or helping us regulate our self-esteem. We experience a self-object as if it is an extension or part of our self.

How do self-objects play a role in romantic relationships?

One of the joys of falling in love is basking in our new lover’s appreciation for us. Many of us feel more lovable, attractive, and brilliant as we see ourselves through our lover’s eyes and actions. If we are treated as precious and told we are perfect and wonderful, we start to rely on that feedback.

What happens when our lover leaves?

Once our ex-partner is no longer performing any self-object functions for us, we are left with a gap. We had unconsciously stopped taking care of some of our own emotional needs. We had learned to depend on our ex to take our side in work quarrels, reassure us that we are smart and lovable, and cheer us up when we are down. We may not have realized how much our emotional stability depended on our partner’s support. Now, without our former partner's support, we feel destabilized. We miss what they gave us.

How is this like an addiction?

When we become addicted to a substance, it means that our body and mind have come to rely on it. If we take a pill to sleep every night, we will have trouble sleeping if we run out of pills. If we are physically addicted to the pill, we will suffer until our body gets used to no longer having that medication.

Although we cannot be "addicted" to an ex, if we have relied on our lover to calm us, soothe us, and help stabilize our emotions, it will be quite jarring to find ourselves without that help."

Read the full article on Psychology Today

✨Takeaway: When a person becomes addicted to another person, it's because they have come to rely on that person for emotional and psychological functions that they could theoretically perform for themselves. When a romantic partner leaves, it can result in a gap in the care of one's own emotional needs, leading to feelings of destabilization and a sense of addiction.

✨Reflection: Have you ever experienced feeling addicted to someone in your past relationships?

#Breakups #Relationships #Self-Object #EmotionalDependency

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