Article: How to Set Boundaries With a Difficult Family Member

"In Ms. Tawwab’s (a licensed clinical social worker focusing on relationships) newest book, “Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships,” she offers practical strategies for dealing with toxic family dynamics — and ways to successfully disconnect from a person when you decide to do so.

Decide what a “successful” relationship would look like to you.

To begin, identify the issues that are affecting your dynamic with this family member, she said. Then decide what type of relationship you can realistically have, and want to have, with that person, taking those dynamics into account.

Ask yourself: What can I control?

“When the solution to the problem is ‘they need to change,’ the problem will never go away,” she writes. “You can only control your side of the street.” Ms. Tawwab recommends asking yourself: If this person did not change a single thing, what — if anything — could I do to make the relationship different? Write it all down in a list, she said: “These are the issues in this relationship. These are the parts of those issues that I can change, and these are the parts that are not my stuff.”

Increase your tolerance for difficult conversations.

Start with a pep talk. Remind yourself that being assertive about your needs and your boundaries is not rude, she said. Then, when it’s time to address your family member, keep your script simple, Ms. Tawwab said. People often put off difficult conversations because they are searching for the “right” words. It’s OK to say something like “I don’t want you yelling at me anymore,” she offered as an example, adding, “There’s not a more ‘beautiful’ or perfect way to say that.”

Know that the family member will likely take it personally.

Your call for change might be met with disapproval (“You’re wrong for changing; everything was going well until you intervened”), shame (“You’re a terrible person”), or resentment (“I’m upset because you want something different”), she writes. You could also encounter general pushback, which might involve your family member continuing to behave as though you said nothing or pressuring you to change your mind. Anticipating those responses can help you steel yourself so you are not hurt by your family member’s reaction.

Find a healthy distance.

Distancing yourself from a family member is not the same as ignoring that person, she writes. Distancing might mean putting time and space between you and your relative (for example, declining invitations or staying in a hotel during family holidays). Distancing could also mean engaging less with the person on an emotional level (for example, steering the conversation away from topics you’re not comfortable with or simply excluding that person from certain areas of your life)."

Read the full article on The New York Times

✨Takeaway: You cannot change your family members, but you can control your behavior and reactions to them. You may decide what a successful relationship would look like for you and what type of relationship you can realistically have with a difficult family member.

✨Reflection: Have you ever had to set boundaries with family members?

#Boundaries #Family #Self-Care #Relationships

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