Module 4. Interpersonal Effectiveness: (Discussion #5) GIVE

QuietMagic May 6th, 2022

DBTuesday is a series of posts where we explore skills and concepts from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).

This is one of several posts focusing on interpersonal effectiveness, which is the fourth module of DBT skills training. See this post for general info about DBT and this post for more info about interpersonal effectiveness.

What is GIVE

GIVE is a skill you can use to communicate in a way that helps to preserve healthy relationships.

Gentle
Interested
Validate
Easy manner

One way to think about it is that if DEAR MAN describes what to say when communicating, then GIVE describes how to say it.

(Note: GIVE assumes that preserving the relationship is a priority. There may be some situations where it’s preferable to end the relationship rather than repeatedly using GIVE with someone where it doesn’t feel like it’s worth the effort.)

Tips for using GIVE

Gentle

Be kind and respectful
Avoid yelling, hitting, attacks, judgments, sarcasm, or threats (including threats of self-harm)
Allow the other person to take their time to share, delay the conversation, or talk in a private place if they feel safer doing that

Interested

Listening without interrupting
When having an argument, listen to the other person’s point of view even if it’s challenging
Face the person, lean toward them, and maintain eye contact

Validate

Try to see things from the other person’s point of view and acknowledge their feelings, wants, difficulties, and opinions
Show that you understand their perspective by echoing back what they’ve shared
If you find what they’re sharing to be unreasonable, try to find the “grain of truth” in it or see how it would be understandable for them to think/feel the way they do

Easy manner