Module 4. Interpersonal Effectiveness: (Discussion #4) DEAR MAN

QuietMagic May 6th, 2022

DBTuesday is a series of posts where we explore skills and concepts from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).

This is one of several posts focusing on interpersonal effectiveness, which is the fourth module of DBT skills training. See this post for general info about DBT and this post for more info about interpersonal effectiveness.

What is DEAR MAN

DEAR MAN is a skill you can use to ask for something in a respectful and effective way.

Describe: describe the situation
Express: express your feelings
Assert: state what you want
Reinforce: explain how they will benefit
Mindful: stay focused on your goal
Appear confident: present yourself as confident
Negotiate: be flexible and open to alternative solutions

This skill doesn’t guarantee that you will always get what you want, but it should increase the chances.

Before using this skill, it’s helpful to have a clear goal for what you want out of the interaction. It may also help to plan out what you’re going to say by writing out your DEAR MAN ahead of time.

Tips for using DEAR MAN

Describe

Keep the description simple
Stick to just concrete facts
Avoid judgments

Express

Share how you’re feeling about the situation you just described
Use “I” statements
Avoid blaming the other person
Don’t assume the other person knows how you feel

Assert

Be clear and direct so that there is no misunderstanding
DEAR MAN can also be saying no to something that you don’t want
Don’t assume the other person knows what you want

Reinforce

Can explain the positive consequences of granting the request
Can explain the negative consequences of refusing the request
Can offer a favor or something else in return to create reciprocity (but if you do this then make sure to follow through on that offer)

Mindful

Stay focused on your goal and your request
Ignore distractions, threats, or attacks from the other person that might draw the conversation off-course
Keep the conversation on-topic
Be like a “broken record” and repeat your request/points as many times as you need to

Appear confident

Try to appear competent and effective even if you are really scared
Stand or sit up straight
Maintain eye contact
Speak confidently and clearly

Negotiate

Be willing to compromise, reduce the request, or give something in order to get what you want
Offer alternative solutions or ask for other options
Focus on what will practically work and resolve the problem

Example of DEAR MAN

Let’s say that I am unhappy that my roommate is leaving dishes in the sink.

“For the past few days, you’ve been leaving dishes in the sink, and they are piling up to the point that it’s getting pretty difficult to use the sink.” [Describe]
“I feel frustrated not being able to use the sink when I need to.” [Express]
“I’d like it if you could clean your dishes sometime today.” [Assert]
“If you’re able to do that, I’d be really grateful, I’ll stop bothering you about it, and it would probably make it easier for you to use the sink also.” [Reinforce]
“I’d love to hear about the TV show that you’re watching sometime later but I want to talk about this right now.” [Mindful]
(Do confident things 😊) [Appear confident]
“That’s okay if you can’t do it tonight because you’re busy. Would you be able to do it tomorrow morning then?” [Negotiate]