Module 4. Interpersonal Effectiveness: (Discussion #4) DEAR MAN

DBTuesday is a series of posts where we explore skills and concepts from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).

This is one of several posts focusing on interpersonal effectiveness, which is the fourth module of DBT skills training. See this post for general info about DBT and this post for more info about interpersonal effectiveness.

What is DEAR MAN

DEAR MAN is a skill you can use to ask for something in a respectful and effective way.

• Describe: describe the situation
• Express: express your feelings
• Assert: state what you want
• Reinforce: explain how they will benefit
• Mindful: stay focused on your goal
• Appear confident: present yourself as confident
• Negotiate: be flexible and open to alternative solutions

This skill doesn’t guarantee that you will always get what you want, but it should increase the chances.

Before using this skill, it’s helpful to have a clear goal for what you want out of the interaction. It may also help to plan out what you’re going to say by writing out your DEAR MAN ahead of time.

Tips for using DEAR MAN

Describe

• Keep the description simple
• Stick to just concrete facts
• Avoid judgments

Express

• Share how you’re feeling about the situation you just described
• Use “I” statements
• Avoid blaming the other person
• Don’t assume the other person knows how you feel

Assert

• Be clear and direct so that there is no misunderstanding
• DEAR MAN can also be saying no to something that you don’t want
• Don’t assume the other person knows what you want

Reinforce

• Can explain the positive consequences of granting the request
• Can explain the negative consequences of refusing the request
• Can offer a favor or something else in return to create reciprocity (but if you do this then make sure to follow through on that offer)

Mindful

• Stay focused on your goal and your request
• Ignore distractions, threats, or attacks from the other person that might draw the conversation off-course
• Keep the conversation on-topic
• Be like a “broken record” and repeat your request/points as many times as you need to

Appear confident

• Try to appear competent and effective even if you are really scared
• Stand or sit up straight
• Maintain eye contact
• Speak confidently and clearly

Negotiate

• Be willing to compromise, reduce the request, or give something in order to get what you want
• Offer alternative solutions or ask for other options
• Focus on what will practically work and resolve the problem

Example of DEAR MAN

Let’s say that I am unhappy that my roommate is leaving dishes in the sink.

• “For the past few days, you’ve been leaving dishes in the sink, and they are piling up to the point that it’s getting pretty difficult to use the sink.” [Describe]
• “I feel frustrated not being able to use the sink when I need to.” [Express]
• “I’d like it if you could clean your dishes sometime today.” [Assert]
• “If you’re able to do that, I’d be really grateful, I’ll stop bothering you about it, and it would probably make it easier for you to use the sink also.” [Reinforce]
• “I’d love to hear about the TV show that you’re watching sometime later but I want to talk about this right now.” [Mindful]
• (Do confident things 😊) [Appear confident]
• “That’s okay if you can’t do it tonight because you’re busy. Would you be able to do it tomorrow morning then?” [Negotiate]

Reflection

What is a situation where you could picture yourself applying DEAR MAN?

Sources:

https://sunrisertc.com/interpersonal-effectiveness/

https://dbt.tools/interpersonal_effectiveness/dear-man.php

https://sunrisertc.com/dear-man/

https://dbtselfhelp.com/dbt-skills-list/interpersonal-effectiveness/dear-man/