Module 4. Interpersonal Effectiveness: (Discussion #10) Trust
DBTuesday is a series of posts where we explore skills and concepts from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).
This is one of several posts focusing on interpersonal effectiveness, which is the fourth module of DBT skills training. See this post for general info about DBT and this post for more info about interpersonal effectiveness.
What is trust
Trust is a sense of security and loyalty; it means feeling safe with someone and having confidence that they will not hurt you.
When relationships are built on trust, this allows for the following positive things to happen:
- Generosity: people are more likely to feel comfortable giving to others who they trust
- Openness: people are more likely to feel comfortable being honest and vulnerable when they feel safe
- Forgiveness: people are more likely to accept someone’s shortcomings when they view that person as having good intentions and being generally reliable
Tips for building your trust of others
- Take your time: allow yourself as much time as you need to gradually build up trust
- Allow for degrees of trust: it’s normal to trust some people more than others or to trust a person with certain things but not with other things
- Build trust incrementally: one way to do this is to trust someone with something small and if it goes well then try gradually trusting them with other things that are deeper, more significant, or more vulnerable
- Be careful: connected with the previous tip, opening up too much or too quickly to someone who hasn’t yet been established as trustworthy may lead to disappointment
- Discuss it: be open about the fact that you struggle with trust, including sharing as much as you feel comfortable about why that is; help the other person understand how certain actions might affect you
- Agree upon expectations: use DEAR MAN to communicate any wants/needs that are important to you and reach a shared agreement on what you can expect
- Be optimistic: be on the lookout for evidence that people have good intentions or might be worth trusting
Tips for building others’ trust of you
- Honor commitments: if you promise something, do your best to keep that promise. If you change your mind about a promise or find that you are unable to keep it, be sure to communicate this. In general, aspire to have your actions be consistent with your words.
- Communicate clearly: if you want something or plan to do something, share that directly so that the other person is informed and does not have to guess or make assumptions
- Admit mistakes: if you make a mistake, take accountability for it, ask how you can do better, and commit to not repeating the mistake (or if that doesn’t feel realistic, then develop a plan to try to reduce the chances of it happening)
- Be honest: if you aren’t comfortable sharing the truth about something or don’t know the truth about something, be open about that and possibly offer to revisit it at a later time
Reflection
What have you personally found helpful in building trust (either yours or someone else’s)?
Sources:
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-build-trust-in-a-relationship-5207611
https://www.verywellmind.com/why-you-may-have-trust-issues-and-how-to-overcome-them-5215390
https://www.gottman.com/blog/4-tips-to-build-everyday-trust-in-relationships/
[Posting just to remove this thread from the Needs Reply queue]
I sort of feel like we should walk around with this stuff on paper and hand a copy to anyone we consider becoming a friend. Like, let’s agree to these basic rules of mutual respect and boundaries before we get too far into this thing. Let’s be open about what we need from a relationship so we both go in knowing what to reasonably expect. I know obviously this isn’t realistic, but it sure does feel like it would save everyone time and disappointment. I also know it’s impossible to plan for everything, and a lot of people aren’t deeply aware of what they want, so there will still be issues. It just sounds nice as a basic framework to grow from.
I have trust issues for sure. I’ve also been on the other end of trying to gain someone else’s trust. You can try, but the other person still needs to be willing to be vulnerable and take a chance as well. If they’re not willing to risk being hurt, then they’re not giving you a genuine opportunity and their full selves. I’m saying this about myself as well. I’m open with my husband, and I’ve tried with other people, but he’s the only person who really knows me. I haven’t found anyone else to be that trustworthy.
I have to say though, the point about giving certain people levels of trust in some areas gave me a lot to think about. Someone might be trustworthy in some things, but that doesn’t mean they will be for everything.