Resources for Family and Friends
HARM LESS - an Alanon Alternative: http://hams.cc/harm-less/
HOW TO CHANGE YOUR SPOUSE'S DRINKING: http://hams.cc/spouses/how.pdf
What To Do If Your Spouse Won't Change His Drinking: http://hams.cc/spouse/
How To Be Supportive Of A Spouse Who Is Practicing Harm Reduction: http://hams.cc/supportive/
RECOMMENDED READING
Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening.
Robert J. Meyers Ph. D., Brenda L. Wolfe Ph.D.
This is a useful podcast:
Beyond Addiction: a Guide for Families: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/harm-reduction/2014/02/14/beyond-addiction-a-guide-for-families
The guest is Nicole Kosanke, PhD of the Center for Motivation and Change. She is a co-author, with Jeffry Foote and Carrie Wilkens, of Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. They discuss the CRAFT approach for working with loved ones who have addictions.
SMART Recovery also has some useful resources for family and friends here: https://www.smartrecovery.org.uk/family-friends/resources/
It includes online meetings, a forum section on this topic, and a few excellent book and podcast suggestions to check out!
Moving this thread to appropriate area :)
I'm really upset with my wife and son right now. He's an addict and refuses to get any help beyond just not using his drug of choice. He's dragging his feet on making an appointment with an addiction counselor, won't go to meetings if I don't take him, and is still drinking and smoking pot because they aren't the drug he admits being addicted to.
We found out he had a relapse last week and I said that's it, you're going to meetings. You refuse everything else, you don't get a say this time. My wife was right there with me. We discussed it before talking to him. But today it's her turn to take him to the meeting and she sends me a pic of him golfing with his little brother. And the message is "I know it's not a meeting but this is so good for his soul". No. No it isn't!!! It's good for his current mood. Not his soul. He needs to be at those meetings. He needs to be learning to face the uncomfortable and unhappy emotions. He cant get better by playing golf! And after golf is basketball. Because instead of dealing with problems we ignore them and keep busy. Just keep playing games and all the problems cant catch us!!!
I'm so mad at both of them. And so glad I'll be at work when they get home.
@debanie
Unfortuantely, you can't force someone to recover. They have to make that decision on their own. While it's understandable that you feel upset at him, if you try to shame him into making the change you want him to make that is likely to backfire.
Maybe what you need is to try a different approach? Maybe try asking him some nonjudgemental questions, at a time when you are feeling calm; and be curious about his current approach and his reasons behind it. Maybe you could suggest he makes a pros and cons list regarding his behaviour, instead of tellng him what he should do?
Or maybe you need to set some boundaries of your own, so that his actions don't upset you as much as they do. I know this is easier said than done, but recovery is harder when the people in your life are angry at you and when they tell you they know best for you, when you may feel like they don't actually understand your reasons for your actions.
I'm unsure if any of this advice will be helpful, but maybe it's something to at least think about, since your currrent approach to the situation seems to be making you unhappy.
