Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
I think I have periodically thought about this in the past . Wondering if I wasn’t such an awkward mess socially and could go to another country and not necessarily start over but I don’t know, run from my life here and finish out my days somewhere else. I would probably still live the life of a hermit, mentally and physically I would still continue to head downhill. Even if I could talk to people there, I would still probably hide like I currently do. So the only thing that would possibly change is the scenery. I would still be the same screwed up mess that I am now.
So, why does that keep maintaining a thread I grasp even though it is a fruitless endeavor.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami good morning sweetie ❤❤ it's Tuesday today, your appointment is Thursday ❤ maybe when your well enough, leaving town and living your days out somewhere new would be a great idea ❤ I think we all dream of the same thing, in our own ways ❤ and anyone's who's brave enough to do so, well who knows might be the best decision they ever made ❤❤
I'm sorry the dark thoughts keep taking hold of you🙁 oh sorry I gotta go ❤ be back as soon as I can
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I love you ❤❤
I am tempted to just wear diapers anymore. Less trips to the bathroom especially when I’m trying to sleep. But that would just mean I would have to endure more showers to clean off.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm sorry I'm being such a bad friend in your time of need 🙁 I sneak on here when I can, ❤
no embarrassment in wearing diapers. Well their called tena pants over here. Being half paralysed I wear them too ❤ only a couple of days then hopefully,you'll get your surgery date quickly ❤🙂 hugs you tightly ❤ I love you ❤
@Iamwhoiamwhoami my recovery isn't going well, there's some more issues with my spine, and I'm very weak. If I don't make it back in time, the surgery is gonna go so well ❤ this pain will leave you alone, and everything is gonna be ok ❤ holds your hamd, and wherever I am I'll be hugging you and thinking about you ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11
Are you going to undergo another surgery soon? What are your doctors telling you about your next steps? I feel so helpless not being able to do more for you then be by your side, expressing my love and support. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
@Tinywhisper11 mentally and emotionally you're so strong<3 You're a fighter and I have no doubt that you'll get through this too<3 You're safe in the hearts and thoughts of so many that you've touched with your kindest, gentlest soul<3 We are all here for you<3
@Tinywhisper11 This is so sad to hear Tiny. I'm so sorry that your recovery isn't going as well as it was hoped and that there's more issues. To echo @BlueDarkAurora you are strong. You are a warrior. We'll be sending good vibes, best wishes and a large amount of love to you. Come back to us soon! ❤️
@Tinywhisper11
❤️❤️❤️Embracing you in a warm and loving snugly hug❤️❤️❤️. I love you ❤️❤️❤️ I hope you start showing improvement very, very, soon. You are always in the the hearts and minds of so many people here. I hope you never lose the strength and desire to continue trying every single day. I hope you never lose hope, but if you do for any single second, there is an amazing backup supply here amongst your friends and family here who are constantly linked to you via your heart and soul. As you support me , I support you as well. Thank you for being your beautiful, wonderful angelic self. You are an inspiration to me and so many others. ❤️❤️❤️
I was hoping that everything had quieted down and left my thoughts from that experience with the last surgeon. But it hasn’t disappeared, I think it is back and I am going to be battling to tamp it down to get through the appointment this week.
I got a brief message from the company to expect a phone call to schedule a home consultation visit. I’m having 2nd, 3rd and 10th thoughts about following through with that. I’m a very private person and my home is my separation from everyone and everything else. Some might call it my safe place. I am beyond extremely uncomfortable with anyone in my home. Plus I have major trust with people. I understand that it probably is a beneficial thing for me, but if my anxieties are going to overwhelm me and severely impede my getting back to work the beginning of January then is it really beneficial? I lose insurance which means my job as well, I can’t afford anything more.
In amongst the messed up conglomeration of things rattling around in my head. The appointment coming up and the in home appointment to be scheduled is the latest things ramping up my anxieties.
I have the thought randomly repeating in regards to what would Tiny do? And as much as I want to model my inner strength off of hers, I fall short repeatedly. I know I am not Tiny, there is and can be only one as wonderful and special as her. However she has devoted a lot of effort and energy to supporting me and I owe it to her to try and prove her efforts worthwhile.
But, I just can’t do it. I look around me with the thoughts of a stranger coming into my space and judging me and my “needs”. I feel shame for the utter mess my house is in. I feel shame for having to force myself to allow a stranger to judge me and how I live and who I am.
I’m ashamed that I feel forced into trusting strangers to make any decisions about me inside my own home. There is another slight change I would be forced to endure while they are around which the details of don’t need mentioning, just that it is a way of life for me in the privacy of my own home.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami You've been battling crippling pain Iam. It's understandable that your home isn't ready for Better Homes & Gardens. I'm sure I missed something somewhere what is this home consultation for? I know it can be easy to let that anxiety and those paranoid thoughts run away with you but you can do this. Look at what you've already accomplished! You braved taxi rides to doctors appointments. You've had purchases delivered by total strangers. You asked a coworker for help. Those are all amazingly brave things you have done! We're all so very proud of you for each step you've taken forward to help yourself get better. I know it's scary. It's scary to have strangers in your home but the thing to remember is that it's your home. They're not there to hurt you or take anything but to help. You have your phone and 911 is just a call away. And if you're really uncomfortable you can always tell them to leave. You can do this I'm. I believe in you! ❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami To have thoughts like that is very understandable. We keep things, arrange things in a way that makes sense to us, to feel comfortable and there is nothing wrong in that.
Most of the times the fear of such judgment from others is only in our head and that's alright too, our brain hates change in our normal and would sometimes make up excuses as to why we should not have anything new in our daily routine.
Wanting help or getting it does not make you helpless. It shows that you despite the fears and doubts decided to do what was needed, you decided to get your self help. We all need help, no shame in that<3
If someone judges you for the way you have organised your home while being in the condition that you are, then that's on their rotten personality :)
I have laid here for what seems like forever with the overwhelming thoughts bouncing around. I have mentioned the two recent things messing with my anxieties . I think I am going to turn down the in home thing. I have dealt with way too much over the last few years and I can’t handle letting someone especially a stranger in my house.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami That's alright ^-^
