Newbie

35 y/o Professionally successful, experienced a lot of ups and downs personally in life but manage to pull myself through. Family relationships are good, friendships are good but I haven’t been able to maintain an intimate relationship. I’ve always wanted a family and yet it hasn’t happened. As I haven’t had a relationship or family to invest in I’ve kept growing in my career and now I’m up for another promotion overseas. I look around like “Who’s life am I living?”. Between work, sports and friends I’m surrounded by people but at the same time I’m alone - and sometimes I feel like I’m filling a void and wonder if I really enjoy all the things I fill my time with. I’ve met amazing men from all different walks of life but within a few months it’s over. The older I get the more it hurts. I’m strong at work, I’m prepared for it, but I’m not like that at home - I want to be vulnerable and open. I need balance. I have my life reasonably “together” (work, hobbies, sports, savings, friends) so now I’m seriously starting to question my looks, what I’m like in bed etc. I feel like there’s a level of perfection I’ll never reach. Do I need to look fake just to get something real? I’m not asking for perfection in return and not rushing anything - I know what kind of impact your significant other has… but this continual process of being vulnerable to go seperate ways is getting me down, makes it difficult to open up in the first place, more difficult to trust. These days I’m thinking about freezing my eggs - I know I’m so lucky I have this option but actually deep inside I feel like I’m failing. So far I’ve been listening to a lot of people here… I came here because of the anonymity, to be a part of a community expressing their inner word and it’s been humbling to witness others struggles, see their strength. It’s given me both perspective and hope.