When you're the Toxic one
Toxic, what a word! Powerful and incredibly demeaning. This is what I've been told I am lately, I'm toxic, unstable, abusive mentally and physically. Having had an unbelievably difficult past, I never wanted to become my step father or toxic mother, yet here I am the girl who has rages at 37 years of age! That in times of jealousy or discomfort I hit where it hurts verbally predominantly but on occasion breaking stuff and rarely but still lashing out physically. How to make it stop when the thoughts just don't, the crazy mill won't slow down. I'm rational, kind, funny with a big heart most of the time but when the ugly monster rears its head I'm disgusting excuse of a human being out to maim and cause pain. How to end this before it ends me. Low self esteem is most definitely a part but why can't I be normal?
I hear you!! currently dealing with this and it has made me cry seeing the real and true me. you need to accept that the ugly part of you IS YOU. Not someone else or a monster. that’s where we mess up at by not taking full accountability for our poor actions and words. Take time on you get off social media don’t vent to people unless it’s therapy. Don’t speak to anyone until you work on yourself. Work out. Working out will clear your mind and calm the negative part of you and one day you’ll be so consumed with it you won’t have anything else in your head but maturity and positivity. Also do some shadow work!!! realize what isn’t your fault and what is and actually feel it and let the pain run through your body and cry for as long as you need to. and remember that it takes a lot of time but only real effort can solve it. don’t blame yourself but remember you are an adult with mental issues and know what triggers you and stay away from people that do even if it’s not their fault until you can control your mouth stay away from them and learn to think before speaking.
