Very discouraged
Hi everyone. Just feeling very discouraged lately. My story is i was born into a cult, escaped, went to college and I'm now in a phd program. I feel discouraged and deceived about the program i'm in and i wonder if I'm wasting my time. Additionally, ive never had a relationship and i barely have any dating experience. I feel so angry. A therapist had told me to do online dating but i get almost no matches and the women who do match will just ghost me. Its so discouraging. I'm also not sure what's going on on the apps but most of the women seem so unattractive and i wonder if they mostly lie about their ages. I see women on there claim to be my age but look like they could be my mother. I think most people would say i'm very attractive and in relatively good shape. The women seem very very unequally unmatched to me. So i feel like I've missed the boat on dating and its so deeply discouraging.
So anyways I'm half way through the phd program and i just feel despair. I want to have a family but i missed out. I don't think having a degree will make me happy.
@ruko Wow that's a lot to have been raised in a cult and to come as far as you have to get out!
I really think you still have a chance at having a family. If you mean having kids, many younger women are interested in older men (meaning older than they are).
Maybe online dating isn't the way to go for you. Could you meet someone at the gym or church or work?
None of that has worked thus far. I don't know how to meet women like that. My world was very small and im told all sorts of bizzare and inaccurate things
@ruko So you are very attractive but don’t have much dating experience. How about searching the internet on books or programs about how to talk to women? It’s a lot easier to do when you have a strategy and some “proven methods”, and it is a skill you can ease into. And the PhD may not make you happy, but you might actually waste more time by not finishing it. I think that it sounds like you are feeling really lonely and frustrated and you want to at least “see” your destination. And when we are in a bad emotional state it is easy for it to get larger than reality. If you’re feeling frustrated or depressed, maybe check out Dr David Burns, “Feeling Good”. Best of luck, keep your goals in sight and keep moving forward, you got this, you just don’t know it yet.
Hey Ruko.
Your insights and questions are not unreasonable or uncommon.
Many who attend school or try dating apps become jaded and angry at the situation!
Just look at how many stand up comedy shows feature the follies of both education and dating online...it’s a huge, relatable thing.
When I think about my own experience I can sometimes become very upset about it, and I try do something to shift my focus.
When we tap into our heart and become still and listen, we can find out our natural desires and goals and utilize their creation using our imagination in a positive way, putting them into action.
While we as humans are capable of creating whatever we want in life, we mustn’t just pick the most obvious of things without first getting deep and still and quiet enough to hear our true heart’s desire because otherwise the goal will be shallow.
It can be challenging to do this as the tendencies seem for humans to run from that which they must face in order to heal.
Yet if one can choose to go through the process of turning from the caterpillar into the butterfly then life opens for them in a rewarding way.
As caterpillar completely liquifies though at one point, and then must break through the old shell in order to have the strength to fly.
Growing and learning takes a willingness to die to old ways of thinking and believing, being and doing.
It’s very intense!
Thankfully this is something we are not only capable of, but capable of doing with joy.
Thought leaders such as Louise Hay, Tara Brach and Byron Katie are waiting for you; you will call in who you need as one begins to use their imagination to envision a positive future.
School doesn’t necessarily prepare one for life - often a more well rounded person will be actually educated as they have continually studied a myriad of interests and experiences life, rather then specialized in one thing and staying closed to the realities of living.
And if one is only living a shallow life without depth, then their experiences and what they they see will reflect that.
Our lives won’t drop in our laps.
Until we take the time to slow down and deepen our experience and focus, we will forever remain on the surface, carried and blown about by the outer winds of change instead of inner rhythms and current of our hearts.
It took Thomas Edison 10,000 tries to invent the lightbulb.
How much are you willing to try to invent a life you love?
How willing and open are you?
All one needs is the tiniest bit of willingness - and not even...a willingness to be willing is even enough.
This is a crack in the door that then could slowly be leveraged open to a whole new way of living.
Any questions?
@ruko
Having a family doesn't necessarily mean happiness either. You're not missing out on anything. I don't want to sound cliche, but it's a matter of half full cup or half empty cup. It's completely on perspective and how you look at it. Sure you don't have much dating experience or never in a relationship, but you still have your health and time to do that. You can ask anyone in a marriage. 9 out of 10 are not happy. If you're not happy, getting married won't make you happy either. Only if youre happy, you will attract happy people who want to marry you too.
If online dating app is not for you, then go out! Join a lesson, take a dance class, or anything that can broaden your social network. Do the old-fashioned way, and meet someone in person. If you're not looking for love, but really old fashioned way to get married and have a family, then just joined an arranged marriage agency or speed dating for marriage. If you really want to meet someone and get married, just start doing something about it. You have achieved so much coming out from your background. Meeting someone and get married? You can totally do it! Believe in it. The right person will come, but you have to take the step to go out and try to meet her first. Best of luck!
@ruko
What kind of woman are you looking for?
Where do those types of woman live/work/study?
Please write it down.
What kind of man does your dream woman want?
Please write it down.
Hey man, I can feel this post. Very raw emotion here. Thank you for sharing. It really does take strength to post here. Please reach out, as it would be an honor to support you on your journey.
honestly online dating is filled with people who take liberty with age/ education etc... i do not see why in person it becomes obvious.
as for looks i met a person online and at first i thought he was ok but nothing special after spending time and getting to know him he is far better looking in my eyes now then he was at first .......... and nope he did not change i just saw something more.
what other poster said is true people meet everyday in multiple ways you just have to put yourself out there and relationships will not make you happy just because you are in one.
