I really don't like my life

Hello Everyone.

I'm having a difficult time with my life. I feel so down majority of the time. I have had a really *** 15 years. I've had lots of positives during that time too, but it's been hard to come up from the depths. I think I've been down too long that it had made it even harder.

I was emotionally cheated on during my marriage and caught her before they actually got together. I let it go or so I thought but it drove me to stop caring in my marriage because I thought I wasn't good enough. 11 years of it and she finally left me and blamed me for it. Plus, cornered me about a week or so later to throw in my face that she was dating and had a boyfriend. I almost didn't make it then. She was dumped by one or two of them over a period of time and then would give me a glimmer of hope that we could put our family back together. It just hurt more and more when she would move on again. I didn't want to be around anymore again.

I finally got divorced 6 years ago and I got counciling which helped temporarily. I've been on a never ending rollercoaster and it is getting harder to come up sometimes. I'm almost done school for a new career which is good but I'm so burned out and tired that it's getting hard to finish. I'll make it, but it's very tiring on all aspects of my life.

I am over weight and trying to work out but that is making things hard too bc I feel guilty taking time from studies and kids and doing household stuff. I'm my own worst enemy with my life. I can see lights at the end of the tunnel but getting there is getting so hard that I just want to give up.

I sit and cry because of how bad my thoughts go through my head on certain days. Just being a failure and that I'm always gonna be a failure. Why finish school, no one is gonna hire a fat guy to work at their facility. Then not having enough money to keep the house and losing everything. It's so hard not to listen because I've been hearing it for so long in my head and from people that I don't see the reason why I should continue.

Also, being alone is what is most detrimental to my life. I always feel like a 3rd wheel and don't go anywhere or really talk to anyone. So I stew in my head and it just keeps going down. I want to meet someone but with everything that happened with my ex I can't trust anyone. I will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop and push them away and be like I knew it when they leave. I have so many things that I need to work on and fix that I don't have enough time or resources to find some one and I really don't want to get hurt again bc I might not recover again.

I've put on a fake persona for so long now that it's just second nature but once I'm alone it all comes crumbling down and it hurts so much because I have things I want to do and be around for. It's the reasons I'm clinging too so I don't go to far. I HATE BEING ALONE. I just want to be ok and not in constant survival mode to live.