I am confused about my life
Hello,
I was not sure where to insert this, and I really hope this won't be too long and that someone will stick around to read this. Also, I hope to be able to convey everything I want to say in a way that is accurate and somewhat objective, but I do feel it's a bit hard to be.
So, about me, I am here writing because I am a middle-age (mid 40's) woman who is actually young-looking, I do not have kids and I live alone, not that it matters greatly, but just to give you some context. I am also self-employed and I work in an industry that I chose and the reason I do this work is that I thought it would allow me to be flexible and travel. I did this mostly thinking that I would be able to travel and go see my family more often than I did, and in the end got kind of stuck with what I am doing for a long time.
I don't regret what I did with my work, I went through a lot of hard times, but I learned so much, and I think I sometimes forget how far I have come and how much I have learned. I do not want to take that knowledge for granted, and my main goal, if I could would be to help others through the work I do. Lately I have been feeling like I am not sure I am really doing it, but, in retrospect, I just think I am going through some personal changes that make me feel this way. I am a bit confused because I have been really questioning what I am doing with my work, and now that scares me. I always thought I would be able to one day move abroad, but for reasons I cannot really get into, that's not going to happen now. I can't for various reasons, and I have to wait until I will be a lot older.
Now, the trick is, I am trying to live my life as best as possible where I am now, and I feel like I am not sure I am achieving my goals. More specifically I also got involved with someone in the last two years or about one year after the pandemic started. There were a lot of ups and downs in that relationship, and I felt like it's not really a relationship I wanted to be in or that I chose. I know that sounds odd, but at the time, I thought that by telling this person that they would understand, that they would see that maybe I was not comfortable or that it wasn't something I wanted. I was too "weak" to say no and go away completely. I tried multiple times to put up my boundaries and it didn't really work. I tried to assert myself and it didn't work.
Whenever I tried to verbalize something upsetting to me, the person in question wouldn't really acknowledge it; they would ignore it and me and instead of talking with me, they would shut down and not talk. I really never understood why and was left wondering if they didn't really care enough, didn't know what to say or do, or if they were feeling bad about what they did and knew what they did but didn't want to acknowledge it. Actually, whenever I would bring something up, eventually they would turn it around on me. At first this hurt me and made me feel like they weren't in it for the right reasons, that they really didn't care to understand how I felt and the reasons why.
Now, I am not normally someone to go around being rude and mean, but when someone steps over my boundaries, I am not the type of person to not say anything about it. So I did. However, it was never enough and this person would come back. They knew they were wrong in some way, then they apologized over and over. I get the feeling however that this person has no clue.
Now I am here wondering what to do with my work life and this situation. I feel like I am losing track of what is or should be really important.
I am sorry if this sounds selfish, I know at this point that I am the only person that really matters. Regardless of what this person said or did or says or "does", I know that I have to try keep living my life as best as possible and achieving my goals. I was not looking for a relationship when this happened. I was a bit lonely so I was vulnerable; and they knew this and know. I try to talk and communicated but I felt like it fell on deaf ears. I could have been talking to a wall for the most part it seemed. I know they put some effort into making some changes however; I also feel like maybe they knew I would take them back eventually and they knew how I felt hurt by them and vulnerable. I knew this contributed in them probably making them feel that I would take them back if they tried; also the close proximity to me didn't really help as it made it really easy for them to "be in my area" since and the fact that there was a high probability of bumping into them due to some social functions, regardless of the fact of whether they knew I was going or not. In any case, they came back without me doing anything, without me necessarily inviting them to.
So, I am wondering, do you have any advice for me? I am not sure what to do from here, what to focus on. I think that I should pay more attention to my immediate goals, what would make me happy. But what do I do if I don't know what they are?
Why am I so confused
@reliableWest8997
At a certain time people often question are we where we want to be in work/ relationships etc. It can be confusing because maybe we told ourselves we should stay the course and yet as time goes by we are not being fulfilled ...
The person is another thing this person shutting down and Not listening to what you have told them and your feelings is hoping you just settle or say ok guess i will stay the course like you are with work.
If you want change go for it ... be clear and if they will not listen any other way mean to say "Enough " this is not working for you and settling may be what they want not working but better then being alone type mentality.
you have time on your side but at about your age....... i too took another direction in my work and am much happier time is your most valuable commodity put off items you want to change is like letting time slip through your hands.
@toughTiger6481 thank you!
@toughTiger6481 Hi, nice to see you here, and thank you so much for the reply.
I think I am going to do what I can to make myself happy, everybody should!
Thanks again, and I hope you have a nice weekend!
I think there comes a point where it is not worth trying to make things better. You can't change other people. You need to accept the way they are and if that is not for you then you need to leave them. It's no one's "fault", it's just the way it is. As you are getting older (sorry to say it like that) you realise that time is valuable and you shouldn't waste it on hoping things change when you are not satisfied
Regarding the work situation, it's difficult to comment specifically since you haven't mentioned what your work is. However, in general, it sounds like you need to make some changes in that area. I would say look to move sideways. Look at ways that your work so it fits your new perspective. It doesn't sound like you want to quit it, you sound quite proud of what you have achieved but maybe there are some changes you can make which will enable you to travel more and feel more fulfilled?
@reliableWest8997 hi I'm Lola ❤ nice to meet you. Love is a strange thing, but honey that relationship seems toxic and not worth putting another thought in to it. Well done for starting up your own buissness, that's a absolutely achievement. So your travelling plans may have to be pushed back a few more years, but if your ok with that, then that's something to look forward to working for. ❤ you've got a lot on your plate, I'm sorry your struggling with it all lately ❤❤ hugs you and let's you know your not alone ❤❤
For me, it can feel like life is just happening TO me and not going as planned sometimes. The thing is, you and I are the only ones who can identify what we really want. I recommend journaling for a while and putting some deep thought into what you really, truly want out of life at this stage. Then cut out (sometimes ruthlessly if necessary—this your life’s happiness we’re talking about) what is not working.
For the relationship, boundaries are important. I think you have to think through why you are allowing them to stick around if you’re really not into it. Does it just take to much energy to deal with it? If so, I think it’s important as I mentioned earlier to think about what you really want and act on it. If the relationship is making you unhappy, it seems important to take a stronger stance with your boundaries and if they are crossed, then they lose access to your attention, your companionship. Is it loneliness? if so, how else can you fill that void?
You’re clearly a strong woman who started your own business—not an easy thing. You got this! It’s not easy to start living intentionally and break free of autopilot. I struggle much of the time. But when I’ve been able to consistently tune in with myself and set and uphold boundaries, and behave in a way that aligns with my goals and values, it is sooooooo worth it! ❤️❤️
One more thought: I’ve learned it’s okay to not be fulfilled with what you wanted in the past. Things change, and it’s your life. You have a right to change your mind. Journaling and thinking hard about your strongest desires on a regular basis can help you be tuned into this and you can tell the difference in time whether your feelings of restlessness are just temporary or you need a change.
Thank you everyone for responding. I am reading your responses carefully. I appreciate the support.
@reliableWest8997
I hear you, and it's completely normal to feel confused when life throws various challenges and uncertainties your way. You've gone through a lot of self-reflection and are starting to recognize that you want to prioritize your own well-being and happiness. Regarding your work… the fact that you've learned so much and want to help others is a noble goal. It's natural to have moments of doubt, and these can be opportunities for self-discovery. It might help to revisit what initially motivated you to choose this career and explore ways to align it with your current values and passions. In terms of your personal relationship, it sounds like you've been through a rollercoaster. It's challenging when boundaries are crossed, and communication becomes difficult. It's important to prioritize your emotional well-being and not feel pressured to maintain a relationship that doesn't align with your desires and needs. You should never feel selfish for putting your own well-being first. Also, it’s completely okay not to know what your immediate goals are. Life is full of twists and turns, and sometimes, we need a bit of time to figure out what truly makes us happy. It could be helpful to engage in some self-discovery activities
@reliableWest8997 First, about your job: is it possible to make a small change in your job? For example, would it help to find a different position within the company or even a different job within the field? Maybe it helps to write down what you're really missing in the job and then look how you could find this missing piece. Of course it has to be possible financially, but don't be too cautious if you want to do something that makes you happy. Second, it sounds like you're not happy in your relationship. It also doesn't sound like the other person will change and suddenly become very caring. You can try to talk with them about this, but if it's not in their nature to listen to your problems I don't think it will help to talk to them. So it is your decision if you want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't really listen to you.
You're dealing with a lot of stuff at the same time, so please take it easy. If you need some time to make your decision that's okay. And I believe things can only get better from here.
thank you. I am really glad to hear from you.
I am going to try incorporating your suggestions