Has Any Relationship Survived Infidelity?
I'm in couples therapy trying to deal with my spouse's affair.
Long story short, we hit a rough patch last summer and he cheated on me. We've been in couples therapy since Jan 2022 but I found about the affair in April.
It destroyed me.
He's been doing everything he can to show me he's changed but I'm still so bitter and feel so much hate and rage towards him.
I feel like imhave bad ptsd from this, I have such bad depression over the affair and anxiety over the future with him.
He's so different now, is going to therapy to be a better man, but I resent it had to come to this for change to happen.
Has anyone ever managed to heal with their partner after something like this?
I'm not sure, but I'm currently going through a situation where my partner cheated on me last year. Was very messy and I love her so I asked her to come back and I forgave her. Year later this guy comes back into our life trying to influence my wife again and I don't know what to do anymore.
@zeetee17 Recovering after discovering your spouse had an affair can rock your self- confidence and cause self-doubt. I am going through something similar and found it helpful for me to focus on myself. I focus each day on the simple things of self-care. I try to find things that I find interesting and hobbies that I like. I put my focus back on myself and what makes me truly happy and in return it has boosted my self-confidence.
@zeetee17 Very sorry about the affair. I've been single a long time, but vividly remember a similar act of infidelity by my ex-wife. People are generally not designed to recover from such a serious emotional impact, IMO. It's very promising that both of you are in therapy, and because of that I would think there's reason to be hopeful. Good quality therapy could be a game-changer for both of you and even if the relationship doesn't survive, you'll both be able to better deal with what has happened. I do know that some people eventually recover but don't know the statistics in terms of how many remain together. Extremely difficult situation, and I wish you both the best.
I'm so sorry. I know how it feels to be cheated on. It happens to so many people. I always wonder...why can't the non cheaters get with other non cheaters and the cheaters can have each other 🤷♀️
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. Being cheated on is easily one of the hardest things to deal with in relationships. You're incredibly strong for seeing him as someone who has made progress in changing. It's hard to look at someone who betrayed you in that way and see anything positive at all.
I went through a similar situation a while back and trying to see an end or a positive outcome in the middle of the mess feels impossible. We personally did not last because my partner never attempted to get help or get better. Seeking help is a huge step, but remember that it is always up to you whether you feel comfortable continuing the relationship regardless of how much they change.
I highly recommend reaching out to close friends or loved ones about this situation. It may feel incredibly difficult to put it out there, but they may offer insights you might have never considered on your own.
I hope in the end you're able to see what you want from this relationship, I'm wishing you the absolute best.
always an interesting post so many think it just happened to them........
Many if not most have real issues BEFORE it goes this far.... pretending no it was great ............is either naive or just wrong.....it is about having needs emotional or physical met .... being heard and appreciated not taken for granted and just there...
people may think they have no part but really unless you have felt abandoned / ignored and just not important you do not know.........
i was going through a dark time and was a miserable person........ wallowing in my bitterness treating him like crap ... was i mad yes but was I a victim....... NO.....we got through with TRUTH and most can not handle that ...
they want to believe they were perfect and this happened TO them .... they play was the person more attractive or what but really it is as simple as needs of a connection being made not always physical ... but emotional too ......... when you feel discarded ignored unwanted and unattractive it is not hard for simple understanding to blossom into something else.
I always thought cheaters cheat because they want that rush of having a new conquest instead of sex with the same old person. It's easy to get comfortable in a long term realtionship and take your partner for granted, but that's no excuse to be cheated on.
@SweetPea321
I am not saying there is an excuse ..... the person has to make that decision and that is on them....
but listen to your person and watch for signs ....... the little fights and irritations that are ignored becomes bigger faster then you know .......... BIGGEST issue is actions that speak louder .... talk about change with no change or TALK and then actions that do not match........ a person does not want to WAIT for you to really change or really listen ....when you may have showed with actions you are only saying what they think you want to hear.
i can tell you as my situation has now done a complete turn ....... he is depressed / mad at the world and quite frankly ignores and rejects me .over and over ........ when i have met other men and they say something flirty i actually give it a "what if " thought....
could i make the decision to cross a line i might not be able to say for sure unless that situation appeared ........but i can tell you from 3 plus years of being treated badly ignored the chance of YES is growing.
I'm sorry you've had over 3 years of being treated badly. Have you told your partner how you feel?
On the other hand...if the cheater is being treated so poorly, they could break up with their partner instead of cheating on them. That would make more sense. Seems like they just wanna be greedy and have both lovers.
@SweetPea321
Yes told him in every possible way known to man wrote him many many verbal fights.... and short of crocheting my issues onto his pillow i have no idea how to reach him
the only reason i stayed this long was i remember when i was going through stuff and wanted to be supportive..... but now i simply know i should not wait any more .... he actually mocked me when i told him i was lonely with HIM right here with me .... he pranced around in a mocking tone " i'm lonely , I'm lonely" told him i want an open marriage he said no that would be the END reminded how his indiscretion was not the END ........ he knows now just where he stands.
Sounds like a headache, Tiger. I'm divorced and it feels good to not have to worry about a relationship. I think I'll re-marry when I'm an old lady if I find a suitable partner. He'll be too old to wanna go out cheating lol.
I think of Chris Rock talking about how nobody's happy in one of his stand-ups. "You're either single and lonely or married and bored. The grass is always greener on the other side"
I don't think this "just happened" to mei don't think I was "perfect" I never pretended it was all so great. Yes these things don't just happen, but there's no explaining in a format like this what it means to fall in love with someone who is self-destructive and slowly chips away at your confidence with acts of betrayal. The unwillingness to help a person heal from the betryal they caused, until they damage things so badly that there's no going back.He knows what he did. He knows what i tried to do to prevent it from getting to this point.I'm not perfect. i didnt want him to be perfect. Now he's in therapy trying to understand why he is the way he is and this is a deep seated issue he's had before we even met. I came here for support on healing, not assumptions on my relationship grounded on someone else's experience
@zeetee17
I am not trying to make assumptions about you or your relationship ..i am sorry if you took it that way
I am saying for anyone to work past this there is some deeper issues that need to be brought out into light sounds like you are digging deep in therapy ....... some do not they want to think it just happened and it is they promised never again .... and forgive but to move past IMO truly understanding where or what went wrong and what were they looking for is a important piece.
@zeetee17
Your feelings are valid. Being cheated on isn't something quickly fixed or gotten over. It's good you're seeing someone. Please try to trust the process and allow yourself to feel your emotions.
It is possible to move past it and build a better relationship if both partners really want to do that. It takes a lot of time, work, willingness to be open and truly listen to our partner. Even so, things may not work out. Sometimes two people just aren't compatible as life partners.
@zeetee17
Hello,
For me I can't continue a relationship with somebody that cheated on me because from then on I would always be suspicious and can't or am unable to forgive that one! I'm sorry you are going through this! I was married for 17 years when I found out my wife was in a relationship with a friend of mine and I haven't said 2 words to her in 15 years now and never will.
Blessings, Day
I went through a similar situation two years ago. I am not saying its easy but yes there is hope at the end of the tunnel if both of you WANT to be together.
I am still triggered so easily whenever i hear her name but it is far better than it used to be. If you would like to connect one on one, i am here for you!
I appreciate you sharing your experience. I knownim in a long road for recovery.
Would you say that it has healed now?
I can say about mine, that it's almost healed now!!