Grief -- pets, people, communities.

Hi.

I have been going through...a lot.

My husband went through a stint of cancer at the beginning of this year (he's physically well and is cancer-free now, thankfully).

Both of my dogs, the loves of my life, passed away this year, one in April and the other in August. They were both 15yo.

My aunt passed away in May, my uncle died in September.

In the midst of all, I lost the one community that has always kept me centered and grounded and fulfilled, theatre. Granted, I walked away from this because the situation was toxic and the production crew was not in sync, and I honestly couldn't take it anymore. I chose myself for the first time in my life as the rest of my world was falling apart, and instead of picking up the pieces and carrying on, the rest of the crew chose my leave to address their own problems with the director and things got way out of hand very quickly. Many people blamed me. I have a lot of guilt and shame about how I handled it and at the same time, I feel completely ostracized in the one place I've always felt safe and confident. And after choosing what was best for my mental health and well-being for the very first time. It makes me question if choosing myself was really the right thing to do.

So, I'm feeling a lot of things. I'm lonely, confused, misunderstood, grieving, isolated. I feel like a huge burden to the people I know and love, even in my circle. I can't stop crying. And I feel like I'm drowning, and it's been that way all year.

I feel like it's trauma. I feel traumatized by so much loss in one single year, and I'm so sad and confused about why I can't seem to feel support or supported by the people who are supposed to love and support me.

Accompanying this is that I have also separated from the bulk of my family and friendships that I have built for years over the political climate within the last 4-6 years. I'm just at the point where I feel such loss. Loss of community, family (pets included), friends, creative outlets...

I feel like I'm not a person who people like or want to be around. All my life, I've tried to lead my every move with love, light, compassion, and empathy. I've tried so hard to make people feel included and seen and heard. I don't know why people don't care about me. I feel so used. Dismissed. Discarded. And I miss my beautiful dogs, so so much.

At this point, I just want to stop feeling like a burden and I want to stop bringing people down. But I'm so very sad and still in the midst of grief that I can't fake a smile anymore. And no one wants to be around me when I"m not smiling.

I'm hurt. And alone. And grieving and sad. I don't know how to process any of this. Or how to stop drowning in it all.