Daughter and father relationship
My father (I literally don’t want to call me FATHER though) was quite abusive against me and my mom. It reached its peak when I was 10-14 I guess. But for the last few years it seems that he’s trying to fix our relationship, which is obviously impossible. I was once almost killed by him. And today, he was preaching me and said “it’s okay you hate me” I literally cannot understand why he can say that because there’s no reason not to hate him after all those things happened. And I am having the hardest time to process my emotions and how I can deal with my father rest if my life. I do want to live my life without him but still he pays my bills so seems I have no option.
have some advice or does anyone have similar experience?
my dad has a similar experience actually, he’s 47 and stopped talking to his dad in his 20s after he tried to kill my dads mum by putting poison in his coffee. he was always horrible to my dad when he was a kid but he recently tried to reach out to him to ask how he was doing and to see pictures of me considering i’m his grandaddaughter (he’s never met me). my dad says he doesn’t want to forgive him so if he did then his dad would think he did nothing wrong. obviously i don’t know the details of your situation and it must be very hard considering he’s family, but inagine 20 years from now. can you see him being in your future? and if you can are you happy about it? that’s how i always try to think about stuff, thinking into the future helps me realise who i need and don’t need. if you don’t like him would you really want to put up with it forever? and go your whole life wishing you cut him off? i hope you’re okay, go with your gut. don’t torture yourself by sticking by him if it’s making you unhappy.
Thank you and your advice is so helpful. I decided not to invite my father to my wedding, let him meet my children and go his funeral a long ago because I suppose these are what he deserves but I’ve never considered how this thoughts can help me. Until I’m financially independent I think I act nice in front of him for moms sake (she always tells me don’t dare do anything that can positively get my fathers nerve otherwise he gets abusive) but after that I’ll def stop doing anything for him.
thank you so much :)
@sarahnakahara
Are you here? I read you story. I hate abusive fathers.
Yea me too. No one likes abusive parents.
@sarahnakahara
hi. I can relate.
My thoughts are - he probably was abused by someone in his life and has a bad temper. It sounds like he’s trying to change his ways.
You should do things when you feel ready - forgive when you feel you can.
However, I do believe he is your father and you only have one father and hating him doesn’t make your life any better. Holding a grudge is only toxic to yourself. I would suggest in building a relationship with him in forgiveness and moving forward and trying to figure out what you want that to look like.
In addition, becoming financial independent or joining college or moving in with a different family member - doing something to get some space from him while you figure things out can be beneficial.
Yes I hear that his fathers father (my grand father) was also like him and I’m so sure that this is the reason. And I totally agree that holding a grunge does not bring better situations but I don’t think I’m that kind or mature to forgive him. And I also don’t think this is my responsibility to try to fix it. But I’m glad that you commented to my thread, I mean it.
@sarahnakahara
I'm sorry to hear that you have had a hard time. But I'm so proud of you that you faced everything and came to this point with your strength. I wish you tonnes of happiness and love in your life. I wish you the best.
I feel like your dad has been realizing his flaws and he's trying his best to fix the things that he has spoiled.. Though those are not fixable(as you said). Still I guess he is trying to play his good role as a father just to relieve the guilt he has been living with, for years(in case he has realized his mistakes).
All the best for your life ahead. May all your wishes and dreams come true and you be the strongest... 😊🌻
thank you for being super kind. Your words make me feel so much better :))
