Cornered

They say Im smart. Im being looked up to at work. My friends adore me. I give advices all the time. People reach out to me and I hear them out. Overall, Im one of the nicest peeps they say.

But..i have issues. Of all the issues to have, mine is with the root of all evil — money. I hate it. I cant accept it. We all need money. I went into a spending spree for a year. Now im cornered. I need to pay in due time and Im losing my mind. I cant sleep. I cant work. Sorry, I might disgust you of my issue.. :( but im lost now. No one can help me. Im cornered and I dont know what to do.

Smart? Nah, Im so stupid to splurge anyway. I have an above average salary but still fall short. Even if i cut my expenses i would still fall short. Now I want to cry. For some its just money but its killing me. I want to start over but how? I cant think of anything at all. I pity my parents most esp my mom. I shouldve been like the normal people who spoils their parents to give back.. and i hate myself for not being able to do that. My parents deserve a good life. I couldve done it—but i chose to spend for myself.

Right now i think im going crazy..senseless thoughts come right through me, regrets..and..the wanting of me being gone. I want to be gone..i dont want to give my family a problem. Thats all i am, a problem. They knew me differently. For them i am a normal smart girl. But my mind screams and my heart is weeping at my situation right now. I cant smile. Id do anything to get out of this.. but how.. i cant even tell anyone. I told a friend and she said some things..and im all alone again. Is this a mental breakdown? Or anxiety? Panic? I dont know. All i know is..i want this to end, no matter what it takes. I have never thought of hurting myself..no. I cant give my family that, i dont want them to suffer. But i think im breaking down…………….. i feel something in my head and my heart…and feel like crying but cant.