Mid 30s, feeling hopeless
I feel absolutely heartbroken and don’t know how to move forward or how to keep living. I feel deep frustration and disappointment in men. I don’t want to hate men, and I don’t want to generalize all men, but I’m so hurt. I feel that I can’t trust them anymore. The latest examples of men I’ve encountered—have shown me that they are not capable of proper commitment.
I don’t know how to live in a world where commitment is such a big issue, where all they want is an easy relationship—or none at all—with no names, no labels. They want the services of a girlfriend or wife; they want to be loved, to have sex, to share all the activities that define a proper couple. But they cannot secure you. They cannot make you feel safe. They don’t follow through on their word, and that frustrates me so much.
I’ve spent so much valuable time with someone who claimed to have deep feelings for me, someone who knew that I am a family-oriented person in my mid-30s. Everything would go well—we built experiences together, created a strong connection—until the moment I asked if we were on the same page. Then I would hear: “I like you so much. You’re so dear to me. You’re so important to me. I’ve become a better person with you…but I’m not ready to commit.”
I know it’s my mistake for letting this happen, but honestly, I don’t know where to find people who are capable of commitment. It has become so easy and accessible for so many people to have sex. There are so many dating apps, so many options, that this endless hunt for someone “better” has become a soul-*** machine.
What is wrong with this world?
I don’t blame men who feel fear—we all experience it to a certain extent. But when did it become normal to let fear dictate our actions? When did fear become a sign that something is wrong just because it feels scary? (And no, I’m not talking about life-threatening situations.)
What happened to morals? To self-discipline? To loyalty and faith? What happened to finding your way together, even when it’s hard? If someone is dear to us, how can it possibly be easier to leave? Why has it become normal to say one thing one day and change it the next, covering it up with excuses like, “My therapist says it’s okay to change my mind if it feels right.” How can we trust words anymore?
I guess all I’m doing right now is throwing a letter of desperation into the void of the internet, hoping someone will hear it. Hoping that someone, somewhere, will realize the importance of staying true to their beloved ones and not let fear fuel the pandemic of commitment issues.
@SonyaSleep
what we seem to have is FOMO ... and IMO a false sense of you just "Know"... that is not always true. This is happening to both men and women IMO. The feelings of love and lust are the height of first attraction and the commitment and building together that comes later is HARD. marriage would be hard to sell when people see at times it is difficult.
There is no one place to meet the right person who may want to build a life ... they may not be who you might pick at first glance. Relationships do need time to build on an emotional level and sometimes one person wants a deadline faster then others feel comfortable.
When we are strongly searching for something we do not find it....
Example i was looking for a specific type/ color of shirt .....I looked in many stores and online did not match the picture I had in my head ........ I moved on not thinking about it. One day I walked into a store and there it was on front rack ....... many things in life have been that way for me so i believe things/ people come into our lives at the right moment for the universe not always my planned time.
I really hope you find what you are looking for.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way—your pain and frustration come through deeply, and I want to acknowledge how valid those feelings are. It’s exhausting to invest time, love, and vulnerability into relationships only to be met with inconsistency and half-heartedness. You deserve commitment and safety, and it’s not fair that you’ve been repeatedly denied that. Hope things change soon for you.
@SonyaSleep
Your words carry so much depth, honesty, and pain, and I want to start by saying that I’m proud of you for putting your thoughts into words. It takes immense strength to articulate emotions like this, and you’ve done so with clarity and sincerity.
I read through your post and it really connected with me. I'm 35 and recently going through the divorce process. Me and my ex were together for 16 years almost 17. We had 6 kids together and a seventh one I raised from birth. She wasnt faithful in the marriage multiple times and I found myself continuously forgiving her over and over because I wanted to stay true to the marriage vows I made to her. She ended up leaving me recently because she wanted to have more experiences with life and saw our marriage as a trap. And she ended up with one of her coworkers that she claimed was just a friend. I find it hard to move on and even though she has, I still try to stay true to the vows I made by not having a relationship or anything until the divorce is final. Some of the people in my circle say just get over her find someone new or the classic to get over you have to get under. But for me I made a vow not only to her but to myself. That day is March 13th 2025. I guess I read your post and I wanted you to know there are still guys out there that are committed, that are loyal, and that will stick through a relationship through the good and the bad. I hope in any sense I could at least give you hope that we aren't all bad and to not give up you will find your person.
Hi. I believe we do come across people who don't assess the depth of the pond they are getting into. When it feels all right and shoulder deep they back off for n number of reasons.
In my experience though initially it drained me of hope and trust. Later I felt that it happened for good, and taking further steps and then backing off would had been much hurtful.
Commitment need courage and persistence to sustain. We can push to an extent.. but reality has to uncover ar a point.
However it's not an end... And like every new day.. new hour . New minute and new second ticking.... A new experience is at bay.. maybe have to wait for tides to take us to the bay.
I wish you for your wishes come true.
@SonyaSleep
First of all, I would like to appreciate the fact that you don't want to hate men or generalize. I believe it is rarely met and precious attitude.
I am sorry, but I am not sure what is the most important for you: Is it getting married in a formal way or in a church? Decision to live together, sharing worries and joys, home space, daily chores, free time and expenses? Or having children? I guess you would like to have a family and I believe it is a very healthy need for a person of your age and in general.
However, I believe it has to be a joint desire of two people. And you cannot hurry love...
Women are often afraid of being used and left behind when no longer needed. Men are often afraid to be caught in some kind of a trap and neglected soon after. I understand we all dream of a person who, if for example we are suddenly diagnosed with a cancer, does not run away, but holds our hand warmer and tighter...
Well, people do change their minds sometimes. But the small print is: when they change their minds too frequently, they cannot be regarded as reliable.
As for the dating sites, I believe they make money not on anyone finding his or her love, but on those who are constantly looking for. And this produces things like ONS, FWB and other pathological patterns, that are not the real love, which includes not only fun and joy, but also commitment and responsibility.
I hope you find your big real love 💜