Lost

Hi,

New here and first time poster.

Short version, I f****d up, she f****d up more and multiple times. She’s my soul mate, best friend and I love her no matter what. She doesn’t appreciate anything I do and picks holes and doesn’t appreciate anything thing I do or try to do. We went from being on cloud 9, to suddenly our marriage has had no intimacy for 2 years now despite me keep trying. I found out last week that she’s been doing sexual things with another guy for the last year and was arranging to go further, this guy doesn’t reply to her one week to the next and isn’t better looking than me or anything. I know I shouldn’t have been snooping but I was feeling rock bottom and my instincts told me something was wrong. That really is the short version, there’s lots of complications of sexuality mixed in (both of us), and I’m not at all saying it’s all her fault.

I feel like I’m completely lost, my brain is broken. A number of years ago both of my parents passed away, my mum suddenly and unexpectedly, and my head broke, going around and around like a stuck record with no answers. My head feels like this again. I’m barely eating, I feel like I could burst into tears at any time, I’m struggling to sleep and I can’t concentrate. I feel completely unattractive.

My wife doesn’t even want to touch me, or kiss me (and I don’t even mean sexually) and hasn’t for a long time now. It’s like I repulse her. She told me that it was because of her own health issues that she had just gone off everything, now I know to clearly not be true.

I didn’t think I could feel any lower before I found out, but this last week has been a living ***. To make matters worse, the night after I found out, the night that I confronted her. She continued to lie, I told her that if she chooses him over me, then she should pack a bag and move in with him. I haven’t been loud aggressive or scary through finding any of this or discussing it. Maybe I should have been? She doesn’t think I’m man enough anymore? Anyway, whilst I was out working, she tried to take an overdose of paracetamol, didn’t get very far and threw them all back up. I didn’t know about this until days later, any damage to her health will already be done. If I’d known I would have been on to a crisis line.

She hasnt moved out, and has said she hasn’t chosen him, but she hasn’t said she’s choosing me either. She won’t talk to me, I’ve tried to engage in conversation and it mostly gets ignored which then gets me over thinking that they’re still messaging each other, maybe he isn’t the only one. Is she just biding her time so that she can move out on her own terms. She won’t tell me anything.

In bed last night I asked her if she wanted to snuggle, her answer “if you want to”. She snuggled up. Of course I want her to, I want my wife back, I want to feel her close to me and feel her love and affection for me. But she wouldn’t touch me (put her hand on me anyway, keeping her hands to herself). I put my arm around her, but then I found myself questioning myself, is this what she wants? Am I upsetting her more by touching her? And if I don’t put my arm around her, does she think there’s no future for us and we can’t move through this.

Eventually after stroking her hair, which I know she loves, she turned over to go to sleep and said I could snuggle up to her (which typically means spoon for us) if I carry on stroking her hair. What’s come out in the last few days is that she’s offended by this, as I almost always get a hard on when spooning her, and she can feel it but ignores it. Her remarks in the last few days is that me sticking my d**k into her is not be trying to be close to her. So last night I carried on stroking her but didn’t spoon her. Now my head is a mess with another should I / shouldn’t I question, that I don’t have the answers to.

I have so many doubts and questions flying around in my head and I don’t have any answers. I feel like I’m being eaten away from the inside out.

I don't have any friends that I can confide in and can’t afford therapy.

Right now, I’d love to hear whether someone else has been in a similar situation and managed to get out the other side with their partner. Have things worked out. I’ve seen a few posts from other people in similar situations, but don’t see the outcome.

How can I or should I interact with my wife? How can I get to open to me, both conversationally and intimately (and I don’t mean sex right now, though the fact that she’s been doing everything she tells me she doesn’t like and has withheld from me for the last 2 years with some guy who doesn’t even give a damn other than to message her for a booty call, is driving me insane)?

So many questions and so sorry this post went on longer than I planned. I just feel so lost.