Five Year Relationship That End Has Me Lost

Hello. I am new to this and hope I am posting the the correct area. My story is long so I understand if no one wants to read it.

Almost five years ago, I met this sweet, kind, caring woman and we began dating. Because of me, the relationship only lasted 10 months because I was still messed up from my previous relationship with a narcissist. This girl loved me but I realized I still couldn't handle a relationship. Ten additional months passed and I decided to reach out to her again, we talked and rekindled our relationship. We had a great relationship, we never fought, we were very caring and loving towards one another. Not only was this the longest relationship I ever had and was by far the best. We were both happy. I was certain that I finally found the one, my forever.

Back in 2021 we decided we wanted to buy a house together. I already had a home which was duplex I shared with my my mother, so to sell the house I told my gf that I want to bring my mother with us and she agreed without hesitation. So the search began to find a home with an in-law suite. 2021 was not a good year to house hunt as prices went through the roof and houses sold as fast as they went on the market. We had next to no luck finding a home which became an issue because I had a buyer for my home and it was starting to look like we would be homeless. Luckily the sale of my home fell through and I took it as a sign that we needed to wait a little longer. I know my gf was disappointed by this as she wanted was house and I felt bad I couldn't fulfill this wish for her at the time. She did take it well though.

At the beginning of this year she confined in me that her depression has gotten worse and she is feeling hopeless. I suggest she start talking to a therapist again which she did, and her Dr. also changed and adjusted her medication. I thought that was working but, what it was doing was preventing her from communicating with me.

We resumed the house hunt which still was not yielding us any positive results. This was not helping her or her well being. She just wanted to be out of her place so bad because it was getting run down and her landlord did little to improve things. I never thought of my place as an option because it is small and I knew she wasn't crazy about living in that area.

In June she pulled the rug from out under me and said she wasn't happy with how things are going and she wanted to end our relationship. I honestly never saw it coming. I begged and pleaded with her to reconsider and she then asked for time to think it over. The main reason for this was she thought since we didn't live together we were living two separate lives. I didn't agree with that, but I told her that I want nothing more but to have a home with you, but the market is not on our side right now. About a week later I asked to see her to talk some more and told her that she and her son can move in with me until we find our home. She asked to think about it some more over the weekend and was going to her mother's to do. Her mother lives about an hour away and she visits frequently. She came back after the weekend and accepted my offer to move in. She also told me that she got approved for a home loan and that her mother had land she can use. I was taken back by this, but discounted it as I thought we have mended our relationship and she was moving in. At first she appeared very eager to move in, but it didn't last. I thought we were going to do it immediately, but we didn't and then it was a busy Summer as well. She wasn't talking about it like she was in matter of a couple weeks and I thought she was having second thoughts and I said nothing. I blame myself for not being proactive enough. I did need a handyman to complete a small project in my house and trying to get was not easy, I also thought that was why she wasn't saying much about moving. Then she told me she wanted to keep her rental so her son can stay in the same school district. I asked how she was going to afford living in 2 places and thought I could cover her share at my place. I told her I can help some, but most expenses at my place were going to double with them there and I cannot afford to do that. I said we need to discuss our budgets and figure out a solution.

The other issue we discussed during our time apart was engagement. I thought we should get a house first before we did that and she did not feel the same. I did not realize how important this was to her, but seeing as her youngest brother was already engaged and the wedding was coming up this Summer think really weighed on her. I apologized to her for not seeing how much it meant to her and I told her we can talk about it some more. She asked me if we could go look at rings which I gladly said yes to, I really thought things were coming together and everything would be alright.

Then just last month just as I was leaving to go see her, she calls me and sounds upset. I asked what was wrong and she gave me the dreaded we need to talk. My heart sunk out of my chest. I got to her house and the person sitting there waiting to talk to me wasn't my gf. She talked to me so coldly and unemphatically, she told me she doesn't want this anymore and that she hasn't loved me for a while. How could she say this especially just about a month ago we were looking at engagement rings? I tried to reason with her, but she said she wasn't changing her mind this time. Everything she asked of me I did and it made me angry especially since she never gave us a second chance was she said she would in June. I blame her medication, extreme stress from work and her mother as the primary causes. I read what depression medication can do to a person and this would explain why she seems like a different person. She hates her job so much that she needed a source to deflect that hate on, this became me. Her mother would do anything to get her to come back home. Who do you think gave her the idea to apply for a loan? She definitely couldn't get a loan on her own, so who do you think was going to cosign? Her mother kept filling her head with dreams of what she wants, a home and how this was the way to get it.

Over the past month, I have been trying to get her back with no luck. We talked a couple of times and I thought I almost had her reconsider as she asked for time again. Then last week I received a call from her co-worker telling me she is getting rushed to the hospital as she is having chest pains. I immediately dropped everything at work to be at her side. Her mother called me all panicked, stating they are on the way but stuck in traffic. I told her I was already here so don't rush and get in an accident. It was the first time I saw her in a couple weeks and she looked amazing to me, even though this is not the setting I wanted to see her in. It ended up being a panic attack and nothing life threatening thankfully. That time with her in the hospital was surreal. It felt like everything was back to how it was supposed to be. Even when the Dr. asked who I was, she said my boyfriend. I started thinking to myself is this what was needed to show her how much I love her and we are meant to be? I thought we were going to have one of those happy endings you see in the movies. Reality came back when I took her home. She said she was afraid to call me because she didn't want to give me the wrong idea. That was like a punch to my face. When I dropped her off, I told her I love her more than anything and she said she loved me too and that we will talk soon. I held on to a glimmer of hope. That glimmer was extinguished this Monday. She called me that night and told me that she is moving up with her mother step father. My greatest fear became true. I asked her what happened here, how do you go from moving in with me and then in a few short weeks you are done with me and moving away? She didn't really answer that question and just carried on with her conversation. Then I started feeling anger and I told her she is making yet again another huge mistake and that she will regret this decision as she told me in the past she could not tolerate living so close to her mother as I do with mine. Her response was maybe she will. As the anger grew in me, I told her how I cannot believe she used me for all this time and that she needs to grow instead of counting on her mother to bail her out when life gets tough. I was there for her and her son for everything, In fact, I thought of her son as my own. She could always count on me and what did I ask of her in return? Her love, that's all. I said I couldn't believe she has betrayed me like this and never thought she would do such a thing. I finished with thanks for wasting five years of my life and hung up.

I feel so much right now, from anger to sadness. She was my world, she was my everything. With her son, we were a family. November 1st would have marked our 5 years since we first started dating. I feel like I knew her forever and I cannot imagine life without her. On November 1st I was planning to propose to her. I had it all envisioned in my head, I knew she would have been so surprised, it was going to be amazing. Now I how nothing, I feel so worthless and alone. What makes this worse is I have no friends, nothing to do and nowhere to go to ease my mind. My heart has been pummeled and I feel such an emptiness inside. All I want is go back in time and have the life we had for the last 5 years, especially the last 3, where I do not think I ever felt more love for another person in my life.

Again, I am sorry this was so long and I thank anyone who read it.