Feeling rock bottom today
I’m in a rut today, and need lifting out. If anyone has seen my other post recently, there’s a lot going on at the moment. This morning my wife is behaving differently, like she’s down but she claims she isn’t and there’s nothing to talk about. It could just be that she’s on her period, but I’m questioning whether any of her behaviours have ever been because of the things that she’s said they are now… and so started the slippery slope this morning.
i found myself questioning more and more in my head. I feel like I shouldn’t be trusted to be alone with my thoughts. Negative thoughts keep winning. 🙁
The other guy, and doing things in his car was “exciting”… do I ever excite her? (in my head “pah! Don’t be stupid”) will I ever get her excited again? (In my head “no chance”)
Ive been trying anything and everything, but she still just isn’t trying for us. Everything I try to give her attention, speak to her, she shuts me down. Nothing has changed, nothing is improving and I feel like she’s not committing to trying for us, she certainly isn’t fighting to save us like I feel I am.
Ive managed to get my head from feeling ok this morning, feeling like throwing the towel in and giving up.
anyone with any wise words of advice or encouragement?
@Trex1983I am sorry you are in a rut. I can relate to what you are going thru.
If she seems down and excuses it as something else........ it is she is going thru things too. Too many spouse / partners IMO take these excuses and say "OK " instead of going with your gut that she has something she is going thru. then starting a conversation. That you are in a rut and you see she is not happy what can both of you do to fix.
Working on a relationship takes two cannot be fixed with only one person. I feel when a woman no longer cares and is looking for validation/ intimacy elsewhere........... it after the emotional connection is gone or almost gone. Have you suggested counseling?
Some couples cannot seem to about truths we danced around and did not bring up... instead we walk around on eggshells hoping the other person gets the clues we left.
Have you spoke up about "him" and what she wants ....does she think you do not notice? or is waiting for you to fight for her.... instead of hoping she chooses you. Giving her space and being so cool about what is hurting you inside.
I bet she wishes it was you to make her feel like excited and attractive and desirable .... making out in a car like a teen and the excitement of flirting and being fun...but that is a memory not what is real a hug/ quick kiss or snuggle all while talking about mundane house chores or kids etc.
She probably wants it spontaneous not rehearsed ..... not a checklist of "how to connect with your wife". Connect ......do not procrastinate... do not buy excuses face it
Oh I have been trying to be spontaneous, and give her attention, for the last 2 years, but she shoots me down every time, and I don’t mean she stops sex, I mean she gives me short responses, avoids me, or tells me she’s not feeling well at the moment, or she’s tired to even just conversation that is anything remotely attentive or flirtatious. She refuses to be spontaneous with me, seemingly she’s built up hatred of me, which is putting me at a lower starting point that any new/random guy.
I have suggested counselling and even therapy as I think we need help. But she just seems to appease me to shut me up and avoid actually talking further to arrange it. I’ve suggested using an app (Paired) to try to start conversation and take baby steps to making her feel comfortable with going to counselling. Her responses on there were overly negative and she barely contributed, claiming he doesn’t have time despite being on her phone messaging friends or scrolling *** and *** endlessly. I’m just not her priority. 🙁
@Trex1983
Sounds like she is avoiding the whole problem. People saying things like i do not have time etc to counseling often IMO not because they do not have time... but because they do not want to open up about things. if important she would make the time many do counseling on zoom etc. Have you thought about making an appointment and just telling her "OK this is the time and place, be there "
She is in the wrong with this "friend" and may not want to face her responsibility in your relationship failing ... Saying it out loud in front of a counselor clearly points out her position and as long as things stay the way they are ........she can kid herself that it is not her ... blame you... and rationalize her playing around with someone else.
I have experience in the same basic situation, 12 years married and 6 divorced.
The best thing you can do to look to yourself first. Seek therapy for yourself even if she doesn’t. You need mental clarity and to be able to confide in someone about your true feelings for her. Some inner work. Your therapist will help you sort the emotion and help to gain some perspective.
One take away I had to constantly pound into my head is that I cannot control everything, least of all people. She will do as she wants, will it hurt? Oh my god yes, the pain is indescribable. But will you heal? A resounding YES! It takes time, I know it feels like time is the enemy, and it is, but also is the biggest BandAid you have at your disposal. Use it wisely, keep your emotions minimal, words polite and thoughtful. Staying super busy with your hands and mind will help, but it needs to be very involved to keep your mind from drifting or dwelling. For me it was working with dangerous equipment that required full attention and constant physical activity. I started my healing with a wood lathe and super sharp tools, didn’t want to lose a hand. Made enough wood projects to sell and eventually buy a motorcycle, again full attention and physical activity or wreck. Had my bike after the first year and it went from uphill battle to gentle downward slope, I put 26000 miles on it in the first summer. 6 years later, I might get 50 miles a year for perspective. So it really was my crutch and rooted foundation for healing, it left little time to cave in on myself. I was suicidal with 2 little girls to take care of because she walked away from us.
PS, Six years later she’s back and we’re in talks of trying to date again, but with her body count and all the unknowns. I’m thinking it’s going to be a hard pass. I want to for my babies sake but I question the integrity and health of what could come…
So I’m steady and healthy now as are my babies, I’m proud of my tiny family of 3. We’ve grown into an amazingly well oiled machine with healthy boundaries and lifestyle.
Yes she left me for another man, and has had another adorable child, with that man. I’m a bit confused now again but I know who my true friend is, TIME!!!
Remember, you’re never alone in any situation! It’s hardest to reach out but you’re smart and strong 💪 and you’ve already proven it by being here!!! Take it slow, respect boundaries and don’t let anyone cross yours. You got this!!
Thank you so much for your reply, it was inspiring, and really helpful.
Oh and best of all, I didn’t use a Voodoo Dr to heal or bring anyone back. Just real therapist and real self therapy! Good luck brother, I wish you well!!!
@Trex1983 just don't try. Your desire to revert things might be sufocating her.
You have to remember, it may be her period, it does crazy things to women. It maybe the changing of the seasons also. Have you taken her out for a. Nice meal, and a movie, when you question her all the time. You are letting your imagination, taking over. Do you really think she would cheat. Sometimes we all have our thoughts. But give her a break. Until you find evidence, listening, is as important as talking, you may find, that she wants to tell you things in her own time. It may be work or a touch of depression, it happens to us all, plan a little break somewhere, hope it help and turns out all right for you both
Oh she did cheat, what I meant about what she did to him and it being “exciting” were her words. I’d seen the messages back and forward between them about what she had done, and messages about what they were planning to do. I found them days after, but at the time of the messages she lied to my face about going out with friends, as she said she would in the messages. She didn’t go out that night in the end, so I have to give her credit for that, but everything else happened.
Ive done meals, out for drinks, movies, short getaways, both before I found out what she had been doing and since, beforehand it obviously made no difference and it doesn’t feel like it’s making the slightest difference now either.