Am I crazy?

Hey everyone

Currently 25 and these days I’ve started a journey of reflection and self discovery. Due to my mental illnesses, I’ve gotten myself into a lot of trouble over the years.

When I psychoanalyze myself, I find one of my major red flags or worst behaviors is the need and want to be in a relationship. I’ve been in and out of relationships and even had a casual phase but I couldn’t help but notice something disturbing about myself throughout these times.

I know and take full accountability for my actions and the way I’ve hurt others in these relationships even if they don’t. All of them were always toxic and I knew every time what I was getting myself into with people who were more unstable than I was/am. I think in some subconscious way I gravitated towards these types of people not just because we’ve been through some *** and can relate to each other but because of the power and control.

in some way because they had it objectively worse than me it could’ve been like an ego thing or knowing I could have the upper hand. I know it sounds bad because it is. And I want to change that. I want to stop having the need or want control/power and be comfortable that I can’t control everything.

If anyone out there has had to overcome something similar please let me know how you did it and what you had to do to be better?