When you think of self-esteem, you often relate it to self-love, a positive mindset, and tons of other things. But you usually miss out on one essential ingredient here - boundaries. Self-esteem and boundaries are not the most talked-about couple in town, but boundaries happen to be a very crucial parameter in estimating self-esteem. Boundaries not only come in handy for measuring self-esteem but also in maintaining stable self-esteem. But how are these two things linked? Let’s find out!

Self-Esteem and Boundaries: The Connection

Self-esteem and boundaries are directly related. The stronger are the boundaries, the higher is the self-esteem. But before we discuss how, let’s understand what boundaries and self-esteem are!

In simple words, setting boundaries is the practice of openly conveying and asserting personal values and limitations as a way to preserve and protect against having them compromised, disrespected, or overstepped. There are largely five types of boundaries: Emotional, mental, physical, time expectations, and material limits. On the other hand, self-esteem is a term used to portray a person’s overall subjective sense of personal worth. We see that a person with low self-esteem doubts their decisions and capabilities. Self-esteem can also be seen as a way how you value yourself.

So how are boundaries and self-esteem connected? The more you nurture stable boundaries, the more people will treat you with respect. Setting boundaries is a sign that you respect yourself. And as they say, respect yourself, and others will respect you. And when you feel respected and valued, that’s what aids in boosting self esteem. The chain doesn’t end there. Now with heightened self-esteem, you become more capable of setting firmer boundaries. So this is an ongoing process of mending and altering our boundaries to keep refining them, and, in turn, you can preserve your self-esteem and keep raising it.

Identifying the Violation and Lack of Your Boundaries

Now we’ve come to understand how self-esteem and boundaries are interlinked. Before we start implementing boundaries to shield and boost our self-esteem, we need to know when and where we need boundaries. And the first step here can be by being mindful and vigilant of the instances when our boundaries are weak, being stepped on, or violated. Here are a few things on our list:

1. You find yourself trying to justify someone’s bad behavior towards you: It may be a friend or family or going against your callings, dismissing your decisions, or pushing you to do something that can take a possible physical or mental toll on you. And you may find yourself complying with them, thinking that is a way to conserve your relationship and keep them happy. This is a very stable and lesser-noticed, yet a concerning sign of violated boundaries.

2. You always blame yourself: Whether it is someone else mistreating you or a group project which went wrong, you always find ways to sneakily blame yourself for it all. It is not only a big red flag of lack of self-esteem but also an indication of a severe lack of personal boundaries.

3. You often question your decisions: Do you find it difficult to move ahead and enforce your decisions? Maybe something someone else said got you second-guessing your decisions? If the answer is yes, then it points towards wobbly boundaries and insufficient self-confidence.

4. Saying “No” is an impossible feat for you: For some, saying “No” can be quite nerve-wracking! When you have weak boundaries, you may avoid saying “No”, even though it can be against your ethics. In such cases, it may be because of the fear of rejection, or it may even contribute to making you feel guilty.

5. People-pleasing at the cost of yourself: The instinct to please others is very natural. We all try to be and show the world how capable we are. But there’s a very delicate thin line between that and someone trying to stand up to the expectations of the world at the very steep cost of themselves. It reveals a very deep lack of boundaries and self-esteem when someone thrives to just satisfy others, and not themselves.

6. You’re on an eternal quest for external approval: If you find yourself valuing external approval over self-approval, then this can indicate that maybe your boundaries have been overstepped way too many times and this in return, may have resulted in taking down your self-esteem too.

Building some Healthy Boundaries

Being conscious of the whereabouts of the lack of boundaries doesn’t make the process of setting boundaries any less scary. And that is very much understandable because boundaries sure are daunting. In my opinion, healthy boundaries are the highest exhibition of quality self-care and high self-esteem. So let’s look at some small steps we can take towards establishing these boundaries:

1. Putting yourself first: Putting yourself first is not selfish, not even close. If anything, it shows responsibility well-taken care of. It’s understandable to find it easy to put yourself first always, but it is also good to remember that you can be there for others only if you’re in a good position first.

2. Give yourself the right to your boundaries: It is you and only you who can give you the rights to your own boundaries. Let yourself know that it’s okay to have limits, everyone does. So go ahead and permit yourself to live by your values and on your own terms.

3. Normalize saying “No”: It’s okay to say “No”, and “No” is a complete sentence. It chalks out a safety circle around you reminding everyone that you’ve given enough and now it is time for you to look out for yourself first. Saying “No” is no easy job. It takes courage. But once you find your confident voice saying “No”, you find yourself.

4. Don’t spread yourself thin: Know your limits and only engage yourself in as much as you can handle physically and mentally. Nothing is embarrassing in accepting and communicating our limitations. It is, in fact, a great step in being self-aware of your boundaries!

5. Put self-care on your daily to-do list: Let’s not make self-care a rare occasion. You deserve self-care every day of your life. Make yourself some quality time, cook for yourself, read a book or just relax. Do what makes you feel good. Because at the end of the day, we can never pour from an empty cup. So always keep your own cup filled first!

6. Clearly communicate your boundaries: Communication is the key. Communicating with yourself and with others about the expectations and goals of the boundaries is an integral part of the entire process of setting boundaries.

7. Don’t unsee boundary violations: If someone violates or oversteps your boundaries, don’t be afraid to address that and make the consequences clear. It is totally on us to keep our boundaries standing strong. And for that, you must be attentive towards yourself.

8. Most importantly, know yourself: To place effective boundaries, you first need to know yourself. You need to understand what you are, what you are not, and what you probably are capable of or not. Until and unless you explore our own limits and capacities first, there’s no way you can execute strong boundaries.

Once I went on to discuss my concern revolving around personal boundaries with a friend over some tea. What if these boundaries restrict me from the world? What if I lose my relationships? Or worse, what if no one ever accepts my boundaries and I end up being more miserable? He replied with a very simple yet powerful sentence, “Healthy boundaries are not to limit you, rather they’re to help you flourish and grow into the person you’ve always wanted to be, and not turn into someone who lives to please others”. And that was when I realized that boundaries define me. These are not walls to separate me from the rest of the world. Instead, my boundaries are present to protect me from what disrupts my internal harmony and help me evolve.

Always remember that you have a right to your boundaries, and you have every right to feel secure and worthy of yourself. It’s not an easy journey, but it’s all worth it in the end.

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Biography

Sunidhi is a medical student who is a trained and verified listener volunteering at 7 Cups since 2018. She is also a 7 Cups Ambassador focusing on group support chatrooms. As a part of her role, she supports listeners and creates resources to guide them on their journey while mentoring peers to ensure quality. She has past experience working for the Support Plus Sub-community where her focus was creating, verifying, and editing resources related to Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Body-focused Repetitive Behaviours (BFRBs), and more. She has made 299 posts with 1211 upvotes here.

Sunidhi has worked across multiple teams on 7 Cups and has finished several mental health-related training courses and active listening level certifications. As a Content Development and Marketing Program graduate at the 7 Cups Academy, she has enjoyed combining her years of experience in community volunteering, avid reading, and writing skills as her path to freedom.