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a couple months ago, i was placed in a hospital program for my eating disorder, avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder, that i have had nearly all of my life. i was open minded and so glad i was getting help. but it quickly turned bad when i had nearly everything taken away from me and was left completely powerless.
my laptop and phone were first taken from me, which you may think sounds silly, but it is an extremely important coping method for me and connected me with others who shared experiences similar to mine. it gave me a voice and when i had it taken, i felt voiceless, i felt like i was being punished for an eating disorder which i could not control because of my sensory problems
i was then told that with my little time outside of the hospital, i was unable to leave the house. i was not allowed to go anywhere, i could not go for a walk i could not go to the store i could not go see the only friend that i had left.
i have OCD and i suspect after lots of research that i am autistic, losing control of everything was absolute torture to me. although i am normally completely flat and emotionless as i dont know how to accurately express emotions, i was mortified and scared and lost control. everyday before my parents would take me to the hospital at 7 in the morning, i would scream and cry and throw things which scared me very badly. i was so afraid that i would be locked up and that all i said would be ignored because i was mentally ill. my father threatened to have people from the hospital come to take me and lock me up and i was the most scared i had ever been in my life, i was terrified beyond words.
the doctors and therapists all patronized me and treated me as a child, never telling me anything about the details of my treatment and blaming me for my mental illnesses and health problems. i went into this program knowing absolutely nothing about the treatment until i was in it and it was too late to get out
my parents and the doctors saw how bad i was reacting and saw how bad it was hurting me and what it was doing to my condition and did nothing.
i have always had issues communicating and am selectively mute, the therapists forced me to talk to them and told me i would never get out if i didnt. i trusted none of them at all and felt as if they were trying to get into my mind and invade my life. i have always had an extreme fear of invasion of privacy and that people will try to get inside of my head and change me. the program was a nightmare which i felt i would never be able to escape.
after more than a week, our insurance stopped paying for the program, saying that i would never recover since i'd had my eating disorder for so long. i felt like i had been saved by G-d but i was also very afraid since my eating disorder is causing me lots of health problems and hearing that i was believed to never recover hurt me. if i didn't recover, everyone told me that i would die at a young age.
since i've been taken out, i no longer trust any doctors or therapists. my mental state has plummeted to even lower than it was before, which seems impossible. thoughts of the hospital plague me constantly and i am very physically ill from my mental state now. i have nightmares constantly about being there and about being locked up. i have developed awful trust issues and i'm scared that i am reaching the end, and i'm only 16.
the worst part is, most people don't see anything wrong with what happened to me and it leads me to hate myself, believing that i wasn't really abused and that i'm just looking for attention. getting PTSD has been the last straw for me, everything feels unreal and different and nothing feels worth it anymore. these feelings are indescribable and i just have no where to turn to.
i want to find a therapist that i trust and that is also neurodivergent like me so that i don't have to worry about the ableism that comes from neurotypical therapists. i need a therapist that doesn't treat me like a child and patronize me and that understands that i have a hard time communicating and that accepts me for who i am and does not want to try and 'cure' my autism and take away my personality.
today, my nightmares caused me to not sleep last night and now i am very sick from lack of sleep and mental state, and i have fallen into a deep depressive episode from not being able to leave the house because of my sickness.
i'm sorry to trouble you all with my problems, getting this out feels a little better, but i really need hope that i can get help without being abused. thank you all <3
