...See more
hi i’m new to this
but i definitely am here for a reason and that is to better myself, get mental health help and advice and make new friends.
so i guess here is a sum up of my story.
i am 17 now, but i’ve always felt that no one understands me, growing up and being raised i was fine until i was about 6 years old. we moved to a new town because it’s where my dad grew up and where most of my family was at. i was young so it was okay, i didn’t have to worry about much yet. i started kindergarten shortly after we moved to this new town. and my little brother was born shortly after as well. but when i was 6, stuff kind of went down hill for me. i seemed more as a troubled kid with behavioral issues. i also could never really pay attention well in school. my parents didn’t know how to deal with it so they would deal with me the wrong way. yelling, screaming, fighting, somewhat beating but not like horribly. just like old fashioned beating when a child acts up. it wouldn’t help me, it only made it worse. my mom finally noticed that i was not a normal kid so she would say she was going to send me to “psych wards” or “boot camp” that never happened. but she took me to doctors and psychiatrists. the first psychiatrist i had was really weird but he misdiagnosed me with ADHD. which i thought i had that until i was about 15. they prescribed me medicine and it only made me more worse, it made me really psycho. i don’t think i ever needed to go into a psych ward or anything like that, i think i just needed the right environment and right help. but i never got that yet because my parents got into bad habits. we moved into this nice neighborhood when i was maybe 9 years old and all my parents did was go out with friends and drink. drink alot. to the point where they are considered alcoholics even as of today. but when they first started going out, i would sometimes stay at my grandparents with my brother but other than that, they would leave us home alone. and i had to watch my brother all night, raise my brother basically. and he was only 3/4 years old at the time. but i was more worried about when my parents would come home. i would call them, spam call them and it would take forever for them to answer. it would get late, and i would have school the next day so i would get super angry and knock things over etc. i know it probably caused trauma to my little brother, but it did to me as well. we were always home alone. and i think that caused us both to have abandonment issues. my teenage years came along, i was older and somewhat more mature now to where i was used to it. me and my brother, home alone still as always. my parents felt bad for doing it but instead of spending time with us, they would give us money or when my mom felt like it she would take me out shopping. and that’s why i hate when people call me spoiled. maybe with money, but not with love. high school came along and i did horrible in school. i felt a little inmature for my age so i messed around in school alot. i was still a troubled kid. and i knew i had depression but i was so distracted and “happy” at the time because i had so many friends at that time. then eventually everyone distanced from me and i lost almost everyone. and thats where a hole started. i had toxic friends, toxic relationships and it just made me a lot worse mentally. a couple months later, i went to a doctor because i knew i needed it and i found out i had bipolar disorder. this whole time, my whole life. and so throughout the past couple years, it was a bunch of highs and lows for me. i didn’t exactly make it though high school, and i hung around a bad crowd and got easily influenced by people. i had a literal addiction to skipping class because i had so much anxiety as well so that’s when i talked to a school counselor and went online school. this was very recent. and when i went online i got in a relationship as well. he was already graduated because he graduated early so him and i would hangout alot, his life went bad so i let him stay with me. my parents didn’t really care, but at the same time they did. eventually my parents got worse with the alcohol and so my boyfriend and i decided to move into a friends place. and thats where i gained so much attachment towards him. it was him and i against the world but was it? now that i think about it, he treated me so horribly. but we did have our good days and the good days is what kept me going in the relationship. but he didn’t know anything about mental health, even though i knew he had mental health issues of his own. he was not understanding and careless which caused me to go into a deeper hole. i knew i deserved better but i didnt want to go back home and the thought of losing him killed me because not only was i attached to him i was also attached to the trauma he caused. and that’s a thing. we were finally doing okay, atleast i thought. but during the good times with him we went on a long trip with our friends and bought a puppy together. we raised her together trained her together did everything together. there was not one day where we weren’t together. and then this year comes along, i thought we were doing good but we started hanging out with our old friends again and that’s when everything went even worse. i lost my job, i lost my motivation for everything. i lost a lot of money trying to buy a car back that i totaled. but he was still there and i thought he cared but he didn’t. he ended up cheating on me recently. and dipped. let everything go. me and our dog. not even an apology, not even a proper goodbye. and that is the main thing i am struggling with right now. being so attached. but i cant ever go back to him, im usually forgiving but he is now dating the girl he cheated on me with. plot twist she was a friend of mine. plus i am having issues with other friends and so as of right now i feel so alone. and i know my mental health has been effecting me for years, i try to distract myself by hanging out with friends but now they’ve kinda distanced as well because everyone likes to see me as the “bad guy” and like i said no one understands me. there has been no one in my life that has sat down and listened and hugged me. my parents still go out to the bar so they really do not care. and now i can’t even get out of bed, i try to hit some friends up to hangout but now they’re just ignoring me. so im stuck on what to do in life now. i want to better myself but where do i even start? that is a sum up of my story. there is a lot more to sum up but i felt like this is too long of a paragraph already.
im sorry i ranted a little too much. it’s a big big paragraph. i know most people wont care to read this big of a paragraph, but if you do i really do appreciate you. i just need advice right now. thank you.
