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theapi849
180 M Embraced 1
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts8 Forum posts8 Forum upvotes10 Current upvotes10 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2020 Member sinceFebruary 16, 2020
Recent forum posts
FWB breakup
Relationship Stress / by theapi849
Last post
 September 13th, 2020
...See more I had a thing with this friend and it had lasted for about five months. It ended three weeks ago because he has a girlfriend now. At first I was not okay with it, mostly because it happened so fast - we slept together and few days later he said he is in a relationship with her. Now I am kind of okay with it, still not 100% over him, but I see I'm going there and actually looking forward to getting over him and discovering new things about myself (like every breakup did to me). I want to stay friends with him, but it is (still) difficult for me to separate our sexual life and friendship. It hurt me because I wasn't his first choice even tho we had such a great relationship... it is true that I didn't want it to be ''real'' relationship and I had my reasons (I still stand by them), but every time we talked about it he said the same so this came pretty unexpectable, fast and painful. Also, his girl knows about us, but she doesn't know when it was happening. I know it is fresh and I know it will be alright. I hope we will maintain our relationship/friendship in this new dimension. I'm totally great on my rational level, but my emotions still have to make a shift. My only problem while shifting my emotions is staying sane and not getting down the spiral of overthinking and comparing myself to her. If you have any advice or similar story, feel free to write in this thread :))
am i in a toxic friendship?
Relationship Stress / by theapi849
Last post
 April 11th, 2020
...See more recently i've been feeling awful and i think that my friendship is one part of the cause. well, barely alive friendship with my bff. we haven't talked with each other in last few months like we used to, but it came naturally since we don't go to the same uni and we go out rarely. the thing is that i had some issues with my mental health (i suffer from mixed anxiety and depressive disorder with unspecifized eating disorder) and i haven't talked with her like i would used to. at that time i wasn't talking with other people as much too, i simply couldn't. then we went out and it was really weird. i talked with her about my problems and my new meds and she seemed okay with it and little concerned. after that we didn't speak much. it was this thing that happened few days ago. when we went out then i didn't tell her about one thing. actually two, since she doesn't know about the food problem but that's not important now. i told her about a hook up i had with this one guy in the period when i was really bad and i couldn't tell her then because it was too fresh and i was ashamed and i felt like she would judge me although she probably wouldn't cause she is my bff. still, telling her was not the nice feeling and she was kind of angry and disappointed and she said that isn't me and that she feels like someone had shut my light ever since i am feeling like this. that is true, i really don't know who am i and why i do thing i normally wouldn't do, but i was trying to be okay with it since i haven't figured out what to do with myself in this state. also she was hurt a little because i didn't tell her earlier even though i explained i couldn't and how i'm feeling, and with that she indirectly called me a hypocrite because we have an ex-friend who did similar thing to her ex-crush and this guy i had hook up with maybe was my other friend's crush (she never told me, i'm just assuming). so yeah, i see that she is biased here and i don't feel any better. instead, she triggered more guilt in me and said i should tell and apologize to that girl (friend with possible crush) and that she is so disappointed. at first she ghosted my ''okay i get it'' texts but we spoke a little after that although it was mainly some stupid small-talk. i don't know what to do or what to think since this is not the first time i don't know what to do and this is not the first time that i feel like i'm walking on eggshells. i feel like she will be okay with me only after i apologize to that girl, like she is trying to make me do it because se would be hurt if it was her. i know that my act isn't the best, but after talking with her i started thinking it was regret doing it as well as telling her. with that, i think that i might be toxic (too). i wasn't there for her like she maybe expected and when we talked i listened but rarely gave some feedback, only because i couldn't. i haven't shared with her all stories about recent events like she did with me. i don't know, but i feel like i've been pretty shitty friend lately. in the end, i just want to say that i feel like i'm losing all my friends and most importantly my bff who i don't wanna lose, and all of that because of my illness and not being able to recognize my ''normal'' self anymore. thanks for reading.
shame--regret?
Journals & Diaries / by theapi849
Last post
 February 25th, 2020
...See more i had something like a hook-up last night (first after one and a half year) and it was good and i was so happy, like, i wasn't that happy in a long time. now i feel so confused and ashamed yet happy and satisfied. the thing is that hook-up caused some problems at home, such as me safely coming home *in the morning* (guy drove me back) and facing my family getting ready for work and being furious. then i lied i was over at friend's with more people and we had a game night and i fell asleep and forgot to text but they were like "yeah whatever, now you'll have to turn on gps tracking on your phone cause we were worried sick that out mentally unstable 19yo daughter didn't come home all night". moreover, i am risking three friendships - the guy i slept with is not their friend but they know him and they all had some kind of friendship at some point of their lives (they are not that good anymore), it's just that i'll be degraded in their eyes, like i've lost my dignity. and i care about those friendships, we are not that close but they mean to me. and if one of them finds out, all three know plus other people. not good. on top of that, i have some trust issues and i talked with him and he agreed on keeping it secret but i can't be sure that he will or how long will it be. [tl;dr] i hooked up with with a guy and it caused me pleasure but with that some problems came. i had to lie to my family and cause them pain. i have to risk three okay friendships (and probably more) for taming my sexual desire. i feel confused and tired and ashamed. will probably talk with him. i don't know what to do tho.
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